BATON ROUGE, LA – Following the failure of a proposed tax to boost prosecutorial funding, the East Baton Rouge District Attorney’s Office has unveiled a new cost-saving initiative: Text-a-Judge—a revolutionary program allowing prosecutors to text case summaries and mugshots directly to 19th Judicial District Court judges to see if they’d toss the case before wasting time and taxpayer money investigating it.
“It’s simple,” said a spokesperson for the DA. “We just shoot over the defendant’s name, a quick description of the crime, his or her arrest record, and the mugshot. If the judge replies with ‘nah,’ we move on.”
The program, still in its pilot phase, has already expedited dozens of cases straight into oblivion. In some instances, judges replied within seconds with predetermined responses like “bitch please,” “cut him loose,” or the widely-used “LOL” followed by the laughing emoji.
Critics argue the program undermines due process, but the DA’s office insists it’s about “cutting through the red tape of pretending that there’s a snowball’s chance in hell anyone with the right statistics is actually found guilty and sentenced.”
Plans are underway for a full AI assistant named “Justicia,” designed to automatically determine case outcomes by cross-referencing the defendants arrest record with his political party affiliation.
