BATON ROUGE, La. – In a courtroom maneuver as questionable as a Louisiana bridge inspection by the DOTD, Chevron has avoided paying a $744 million environmental judgment by hiring LSU head coach Brian Kelly as its new Vice President of Subsurface Operations—citing his “unrivaled expertise in running things in the ground.”
Kelly, who led LSU through multiple high-profile collapses—including a 30-point bowl loss and a season that somehow cost more than it achieved—will now oversee Chevron’s most delicate drilling operations. “Brian’s gift for mismanaging elite resources makes him a natural fit for our subsurface team,” said a Chevron spokesperson. “He already understands how to sink things under pressure.”
The move stunned environmental watchdogs, but drew quiet approval from state officials looking to offload one of Louisiana’s most expensive underperformers. LSU Athletic Director Scott Woodward called Chevron’s offer “a godsend.”
“This is a tremendous favor to both LSU and the state,” Woodward said. “With our athletic department barely turning a profit last year despite record revenue, freeing ourselves of Coach Kelly’s buyout helps us rebalance our priorities. Chevron didn’t just take on an employee—they took on a public service.”
While critics argue the move does little to restore Louisiana’s crumbling coastline, others say it’s at least a symbolic form of restitution.
Kelly released a brief statement, saying he looks forward to “bringing the same level of confusion and inconsistency to Chevron that I brought to Death Valley.”
Experts warn that combining Chevron and Brian Kelly may result in a sinkhole large enough to swallow the entire SEC West.
