LIVINGSTON PARISH, La. – A group of local car burglars is blaming the struggling economy for their latest wave of disappointing heists, after breaking into dozens of vehicles on Buddy Ellis Road only to find nothing but useless, frayed phone chargers and an abundance of fast-food napkins.
“I risked my freedom for this?” complained one career thief, holding up an off-brand Android charger that looked like it hadn’t worked since 2014. “Times are tough, man. Used to be, you’d at least find some loose change or a decent vape. Now? Nothing but unpaid parking tickets and some melted ChapStick.”
Authorities say with rising costs, people no longer leave anything of value in their cars—bad news for meth-fueled criminals looking for easy scores.
One exasperated thief, visibly shaking from frustration or withdrawal, voiced a plea to the public. “If y’all ain’t gonna leave meth or at least a little cash, the least you can do is upgrade your god damn chargers,” he mumbled through his last few teeth, jagged and discolored like a broken picket fence outside a haunted house.
Law enforcement remains unconcerned, noting that at this point, Livingston Parish criminals are basically just unpaid trash collectors.
