BATON ROUGE, La. – In a recent move that surprised absolutely no one, state legislators are pushing for Baton Rouge’s city-parish government to take over the Capital Area Transit System (CATS), citing the city’s “extensive experience in going absolutely nowhere—efficiently.”

“Look, if there’s one thing we’ve mastered,” said one lawmaker, “it’s stalling progress. CATS will fit right in.”

Supporters of the move argue that merging CATS into the city’s bureaucratic black hole will streamline inefficiency, eliminate accountability, and ensure that no one ever figures out who’s actually in charge of that train wreck.

“This is about synergy,” said Councilman Rowdy Gaudet. “We’re merging two of our slowest-moving entities into one unstoppable force of theoretical progress. It’s government efficiency at its finest.”

Transit officials said improvements are on the way, including a glossy rebrand, a task force to discuss the creation of a study about a report, and a grand opening for a bus stop built on an active construction site with no sidewalk access.

CATS riders, meanwhile, remain optimistic that the buses might now only be slightly more late—assuming they show up at all.