BATON ROUGE, La – Louisiana has announced a new execution method, giving inmates two grim options: lethal injection or attempting to renew their driver’s license at the Department of Motor Vehicles on Independence Blvd until they finally die waiting in line.
Governor Jeff Landry called the new policy “cost-effective and excruciatingly legal,” though critics argue it could violate the Eighth Amendment. He has been testing the DMV method for three weeks on several staff members left over from John Bel Edwards’ cabinet.
Those who choose the DMV will take a number and wait so long they’ll begin to question if time even exists, only for their number to be called the moment they step into the restroom.
“They’ll need a birth certificate, which they can’t get without a valid ID,” chuckled a DMV worker fresh off his third break by 9:30 a.m. “One test subject nearly finished the process until it was discovered that the only working printer ran out of toner during the Jindal administration.”
The Sadvocate learned that another test subject finally made it to the counter just in time to watch the employee flip the “Next Window Please” sign and abruptly disappear. He moved to the next window but was told to return next Tuesday, later revealed to be a state holiday.
Left-wing civil rights groups have condemned the method as “cruel and unusual punishment,” with activists planning a protest outside the DMV this Thursday, since none of them have jobs. The demonstration may never get off the ground, however, as many attendees remain stuck inside, waiting to renew their own driver’s licenses, because the DMV system has been hacked and is offline for the third time this year.
