Experts Debate if 19th JDC in Baton Rouge is a Court of Law or the Set of a Sitcom
Baton Rouge’s 19th JDC courthouse is less a temple of justice and more a live sitcom set. With attorneys stacking up contempt charges like frequent flyer miles, experts now wonder if the court should hire writers or simply sell tickets to the public.
Judge Gives Boosie Choice: Two Years in Prison or Move Back to Baton Rouge
A California judge shocked the courtroom by giving rapper Boosie a stark choice: serve two years in prison or move back to Baton Rouge. Observers noted Boosie appeared more rattled by the thought of Florida Boulevard traffic than federal lockup.
Miguez Steals Spotlight by Doing the Unthinkable: Answering Questions Cassidy Wouldn’t
Bill Cassidy may have skipped Moon Griffon’s show, but Blake Miguez grabbed the mic and actually answered questions. Voters were stunned to see a Louisiana politician speak for more than ten minutes without citing “technical difficulties with his backbone.”
BR Officials to Launch Program Called “Parenting,” Refer to it as Curfew Enforcement
Baton Rouge’s new curfew, dubbed a “groundbreaking parenting program,” has sparked both eye-rolls and debate. Proponents say the policy will curb truancy, while critics argue it only proves city leaders think bedtime is cheaper than fixing schools.
Cassidy Pulls Plug on Radio Appearance, Blames Technical Difficulties With His Backbone
Louisiana Senator Bill Cassidy abruptly canceled a promised hour-long interview with Moon Griffon, citing “technical difficulties with his backbone.” Griffon rejected Cassidy’s fallback offer of 10 minutes, comparing it to “a crawfish boil without crawfish.” Voters are left wondering if Cassidy’s spine was ever operational.
Chicago Officials Say National Guard Threatens to “Erase Generations of Gunfire Culture”
Chicago leaders warned that the arrival of National Guard troops could “erase generations of gunfire culture,” describing the city’s 1,200 shootings this year as evidence of a deeply rooted tradition. Officials vowed to protect the “heritage” of crime, calling it as Chicagoan as deep-dish pizza.
Senator Duplessis Declares Crisis After State Left with Only 98.5% of Its National Guard
Senator Royce Duplessis has declared Louisiana “in crisis” after Governor Landry sent 135 Guardsmen to D.C. leaving only 98.5% of the Guard at home. Critics say Duplessis may be the first politician in history to treat basic math as a natural disaster.
Governor Landry Condemns LSU Twerk Performance After Accidentally Streaming It 47 Times
Governor Jeff Landry slammed LSU’s “degenerate” twerk performance, though insiders say he accidentally streamed the routine 47 times. Staff claim he called each replay “necessary research,” leaving critics to wonder if his moral outrage had less to do with decency and more to do with his viewing habits.
Entergy Partners With Meta for Power; Will Add $4.99 Surcharge Per Facebook Friend Request to Customer Bills
Louisiana residents may soon pay $4.99 every time they accept or send a Facebook friend request. Entergy announced the new fee as part of its deal to power Meta’s data center, describing the charge as vital to “emotional bandwidth recovery” and “keeping tech billionaires comfortable.”
Walmart Says Radioactive Shrimp Safe if Eaten Under Lead Blanket
Walmart officials moved quickly this week to reassure shoppers after a nationwide recall of shrimp that reportedly contained “trace levels” of radioactivity. “The product is still completely safe,” one company spokesperson insisted, “so long as customers consume it under a government-approved lead blanket.”
After Investing Millions on Shreveport G-Dome, Rapper 50 Cent Changes Name to “Store Credit”
Shreveport officials hailed rapper 50 Cent’s investment in the city’s new G-Dome, but financial experts warn it could drain his fortune. “After this, he’ll be better known as Store Credit,” one analyst quipped, pointing to the city’s long tradition of bankrupting businesses.
Landry Sends Troops to D.C., Because New Orleans Clearly Has Things Under Control
Governor Jeff Landry deployed the Louisiana National Guard to Washington, D.C., leaving New Orleans residents wondering why the “murder capital of America” didn’t get the help first. Locals joked the Guard might only show up in the city if they got lost on the way home.
EBR Schools Redefine Truancy as ‘Nontraditional Attendance’ to Boost Graduation Rates
Baton Rouge schools have found a new fix for chronic absences: just rename them. Truancy will now be known as “nontraditional attendance,” a phrase officials say reflects “creative learning pathways.”
Orgeron Plans to Send Ex-Wife to Several SEC Universities to Negotiate Coaching Return
Former LSU coach Ed Orgeron has turned his job search into a joint venture with his ex-wife, who recently won $8 million from his buyout. She’s now negotiating directly with Mississippi State, demanding signing bonuses and custody of season tickets.
Saints Cheerleaders Execute More Successful Formations Than Offensive Line
Saints fans who booed the addition of more men to the cheer squad may want to rethink. At least those guys can hold a formation, unlike the offensive line, which looked like it was practicing modern dance instead of football during two miserable preseason games.
Vappie’s Defense Team Considering Insanity Plea: “No Sane Man Would’ve Slept With Cantrell”
Officer Jeffrey Vappie’s defense team is weighing an insanity plea, arguing no rational man would risk his career and freedom for taxpayer-funded vacations with Mayor Cantrell. Prosecutors, however, remain skeptical, saying poor taste isn’t a recognized legal defense, at least not yet.
Insurance Industry Admits Lower Rates Possible; Swears It Won’t Happen Again
Louisiana drivers are stunned as auto insurance rates actually dip for once. Insurers admit the decrease was a “clerical error” and vow it won’t become a habit. Officials reassure residents: normal rate hikes will return soon.
Grounded by Indictment, Cantrell to Attend Westwego’s Global Forum on Boudin Ball Innovation
Indictment may ground her, but Mayor Cantrell insists she’s still shaping global policy, this time from a seafood market in Westwego.
Central Greenlights Surf Lake, Considers Gondola System for Sullivan Road Traffic
Central is going big: first a surf lake, now a gondola system over Sullivan Road. Officials say it’ll ease traffic, critics say it’ll look like Disney World on discount. Either way, it’s happening feasibility studies already underway.
Cantrell Says Indictment Won’t Interrupt Her Commitment to Accomplishing Nothing
Federal charges won’t slow Mayor Cantrell’s famously leisurely approach to leadership, with City Hall assuring residents that “strategic inactivity” remains the top priority.
Denham Springs Police Raid Local Ice Cream Shop, Seize 12 Cases of Rum Raisin
Officers warned that Rum Raisin posed a “moral threat,” even going so far as to bag the tubs as evidence of frozen rebellion. Critics say the raid shows the city clings to Prohibition logic whenever it suits them.
Zachary Man Kills Girlfriend’s Dad at Dad’s Home, Gets Same Sentence as Kid Who Egged a House
A Louisiana man broke into his underage girlfriend’s father’s home, killed the man, and walked away with just probation. The judge’s reasoning? Rehabilitation, so long as it doesn’t interfere with Wheel of Fortune. Welcome to Homicide Lite™, where bedtime is the new justice.
LSU Hires Indicted Developer For Arena Project After Struggling To Find One With Felony Warrants
City leaders defend the move as “perfectly on brand” for Louisiana. The arena is set to include a “Jury Deliberation Suite” for VIPs, and opening night will bring out everyone from ex-mayors to celebrity athletes with pending charges.
Denham Springs Says Ice Cream Parlor Too Holy for Liquor License, Not Holy Enough For Tax Exemption
Denham Springs ruled Mustard Seed Creamery is a church for blocking booze, but a business when it’s time to collect taxes.
Livingston Family’s Pet Deer “Rehomed” to Freezer After Surprise LDWF Raid
Officials claim a pet deer on private acreage is a major threat, though they admit they’re still figuring out exactly what that threat is.
OLOL Bids $50M for LSU Arena Naming Rights, Says It’ll Take 12 ER Visits to Recoup
Hospital officials say the $50 million arena deal is a “community investment.” But for patients facing $6,000 bills for minor injuries, it feels more like a reminder that billing is the only sport they truly dominate.
Orleans Parish Criminal Court Goes Fully Paperless By Dumping Records in Trash
In a surprise leap toward “modernization,” New Orleans’ criminal court has gone paperless by reportedly tossing its files in a dumpster. Officials insist this isn’t negligence, but “innovative documentation liberation.”
SLU Says Professor Dismissed for Use of Comic Sans in Reports, Not Lake Maurepas Findings
While her research raised alarms about toxins in Lake Maurepas, SLU says Dr. Emami’s choice of Comic Sans made the information “aesthetic malpractice.” The university acted swiftly to preserve its reputation, if not the lake.
Indian Shrimp Hit with Tariff; Local Shrimpers Shocked to Learn Feds Actually Helped Them
Louisiana shrimpers were stunned this week after a rare sighting: government policy that actually helped them. Trump’s 25% tariff on Indian shrimp imports could mark the first meaningful boost to the state’s struggling shrimp industry in years.
Post-Jailbreak Donations Drop So Low, Hutson Campaign Now Accepting Canned Goods
NEW ORLEANS, LA – Facing the kind of financial drought usually reserved for abandoned vending machines, Orleans Parish Sheriff Susan Hutson’s re-election campaign has officially entered barter mode. After raising a mere $155 in the wake of a jail escape and a mistaken inmate release, Hutson’s team is pivoting to alternative donations, namely canned corn, […]