New Orleans Officials Begin Printing Then Shredding Emails Ahead Of Expected Murrill Subpoenas
Somewhere inside City Hall, a printer is working harder than anyone else in the building.
Unable To Find Judge For Attorney General Case, NOLA Officials Greenlight “So You Think You Can Judge?” TV Show
Producers say the biggest challenge won’t be finding contestants it’ll be keeping one from recusing before the commercial break.
Landry Signs Executive Order Requiring Every New Orleans Official To Watch Schoolhouse Rock Before Taking Office
The Governor says a mandatory Schoolhouse Rock refresher should help New Orleans leaders better distinguish between political disagreements and actual constitutional authority.
NOLA Official Seeks Indictment Against State Trooper After Being Warned Speeding Could Result In A Ticket
A New Orleans official has reportedly found the next great threat to democracy: a state trooper who warned that speeding could result in a ticket.
NOLA Officials Ask State To “Spot Them A Few More Million” So They Can Go After Attorney General
Fresh off borrowing $125 million from the state, New Orleans officials reportedly admitted they just need a little more Louisiana money before they can continue going after Attorney General Liz Murrill.
Mayor Refutes Land Loss Report, Says New Orleans Has Been Financially Underwater For Years Already
New Orleans officials reportedly spent hours explaining that a new study about Louisiana being underwater referred to land, not the city’s budget.
Engineers Confident New Orleans Tunnel Would Only Flood During “Heavy Dew”
City officials praised the new underground transit proposal as “revolutionary infrastructure,” which in New Orleans roughly translates to “we’ll see what happens.”
Elon Musk Confirms Colonizing Mars Will Still Be Easier Than Getting NOLA Tunnel Approved
Elon Musk confirmed colonizing Mars will be easier than getting a New Orleans tunnel approved after his first meeting produced three committees, zero decisions, and a follow-up meeting.
NOPD Confirms Shia LaBeouf’s Behavior “Indistinguishable From Average Mardi Gras Tourist”
Turns out you can blend into Bourbon Street all night, but the second you start giving performance notes to a brass band, someone’s calling NOPD.
NOPD Suggests Tourists Try Not Looking So “Phone-Having” While Walking Bourbon Street
NOPD has a simple tip for Carnival visitors this year: enjoy Mardi Gras, just try not to look aggressively “phone-having” in the middle of Bourbon Street.
New Orleans Mayor Appoints Kamala Harris as Sewerage & Water Board Czar to Find Root Causes of Drainage Issues
New Orleans officials say Kamala Harris was chosen to identify drainage root causes, citing her ability to speak at length without offering timelines, solutions, or any measurable outcomes.
Moreno Signs Executive Order to Liquidate Latoya Cantrell’s Frequent Flier Miles, Pays Off Entire City Debt With Proceeds
City officials confirmed New Orleans eliminated its entire debt after liquidating former Mayor LaToya Cantrell’s frequent flier miles, a move accountants called “embarrassingly effective.”
Cantrell Removes Mayor-Elect Banners, Says They Sent Wrong Message That Change Is Coming
New Orleans removed banners celebrating the mayor-elect after the sitting mayor said they sent the wrong message, mainly that any change was coming.
After Baton Rouge and New Orleans Tour, ICE Agents Request Transfer to “Something Calmer,” Like Gaza
ICE agents say Gaza “seems peaceful” after spending several days in Baton Rouge and New Orleans, citing South Louisiana’s unique blend of traffic, politics, and Dodge Chargers driving recklessly.
New Orleans Residents Oppose ICE, Worried That Accountability Could Spread to Other Parts of Government
Protesters promised to return as long as law enforcement continues threatening the city’s long-standing tradition of low expectations.
Mayor-Elect Says No One Told Her Who the Blue-Uniformed People Are, Despite News Confirming They’re the NOPD
The mayor-elect says she has “zero official information” on officers in blue uniforms, despite every news outlet confirming they’re the police.
Moreno Expresses Concern That Federal Raids May Create an “Unwelcoming Atmosphere” for Criminals in New Orleans
Councilwoman Helena Moreno warned that federal raids could create an “unwelcoming atmosphere” for New Orleans criminals, arguing the city has spent years cultivating a space where offenders can operate freely.
Pelicans Fire Head Coach After Team Shooting Percentage Falls Below Cantrell’s Approval Rating
The Pelicans cut ties with Willie Green after the team’s shooting numbers dipped under Mayor LaToya Cantrell’s approval rating, a statistical crisis no one believed possible until this season.
New Orleans Mayor Applies for Wildfire Relief Funding After Third Interstate Bridge Ignites
New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell is asking FEMA for wildfire aid after yet another bridge fire, arguing that “our people may not have forests, but we have bridges, and they burn beautifully.
New Orleans Homeless Man Saves Money by Building Entire Shelter Out of Saints & Pelicans Tickets
After another disappointing Saints season, some fans have turned protest into performance art constructing makeshift shelters under the interstate entirely out of unsold Saints tickets.
Carbon Capture Executives Celebrate: “Finally, a Pollution Crisis We Get Paid to Cause”
Carbon capture has given industry executives the perfect business model. Profit from the pollution, then profit again from pretending to clean it up.
Saints to Start “Most Powerful Woman in Sports” as Quarterback for Upcoming Matchup Against the Panthers
Saints owner Gayle Benson, recently dubbed the “Most Powerful Woman in Sports,” is stepping in as quarterback for this week’s matchup against the Panthers.
Helena Moreno Says No to Fiscal Oversight: “We’re Not Ready for That Kind of Stability Yet”
New Orleans leaders withdrew their $125M bond request, rejecting state oversight as “too stabilizing for our culture of chaos.”
Cantrell Announces Plan to “Preserve Authenticity” by Letting Bourbon Street Collapse Naturally
Mayor LaToya Cantrell has unveiled a plan to “preserve the authenticity” of New Orleans nightlife by letting Bourbon Street decay naturally a preservation strategy that relies less on funding and more on physics.
New Orleans Official Seen in Line at Ace Cash Express Holding Utility Bill and Proof of Residence
New Orleans city officials were seen waiting in line at Ace Cash Express this week, holding utility bills and pleading for an advance to cover payroll
‘No Kings’ Movement Claims Full Success This Morning as Zero Kings Reported Nationwide
The “No Kings” movement flooded social media this morning, declaring victory after confirming that no monarchs currently rule the United States, a condition that, according to historians, has existed since 1776.
New Orleans Officials to Auction Off Cantrell’s Frequent Flier Miles to Cover Hancock Whitney Tower Tax Debt
Mayor Cantrell’s airline miles are being liquidated to help pay taxes on the struggling Shell Tower. The city says it’s “financial creativity,” but locals say it’s just another layover on New Orleans’ nonstop flight to bankruptcy.
Thieves Break Into Cam Jordan’s Home, Leave Broncos Defensive Highlight Reels Scattered About Before Fleeing
Police say burglars broke into Cam Jordan’s home and mysteriously left behind VHS tapes labeled Broncos Defense, an act investigators are calling both “bizarre” and “probably helpful.”
National Guard to Deploy in New Orleans Disguised as Carjackers and Murderers to Gain City Officials’ Trust
Governor Jeff Landry announced that National Guard troops entering New Orleans will now deploy disguised as local carjackers and murderers to gain the trust of city officials, who had previously opposed their presence for being “too law-enforcement adjacent.”
New Orleans Levee Authority Approves Tactical Gear, Still Unsure Who They’re Supposed to Shoot
The Flood Authority’s new SWAT-style unit will reportedly be trained in “tactical sandbagging” and “high-pressure hose control,” though officials admit they’re still “not sure who the enemy is.”