Elon Musk Confirms Colonizing Mars Will Still Be Easier Than Getting NOLA Tunnel Approved
Elon Musk confirmed colonizing Mars will be easier than getting a New Orleans tunnel approved after his first meeting produced three committees, zero decisions, and a follow-up meeting.
NOPD Confirms Shia LaBeouf’s Behavior “Indistinguishable From Average Mardi Gras Tourist”
Turns out you can blend into Bourbon Street all night, but the second you start giving performance notes to a brass band, someone’s calling NOPD.
NOPD Suggests Tourists Try Not Looking So “Phone-Having” While Walking Bourbon Street
NOPD has a simple tip for Carnival visitors this year: enjoy Mardi Gras, just try not to look aggressively “phone-having” in the middle of Bourbon Street.
New Orleans Mayor Appoints Kamala Harris as Sewerage & Water Board Czar to Find Root Causes of Drainage Issues
New Orleans officials say Kamala Harris was chosen to identify drainage root causes, citing her ability to speak at length without offering timelines, solutions, or any measurable outcomes.
Moreno Signs Executive Order to Liquidate Latoya Cantrell’s Frequent Flier Miles, Pays Off Entire City Debt With Proceeds
City officials confirmed New Orleans eliminated its entire debt after liquidating former Mayor LaToya Cantrell’s frequent flier miles, a move accountants called “embarrassingly effective.”
Cantrell Removes Mayor-Elect Banners, Says They Sent Wrong Message That Change Is Coming
New Orleans removed banners celebrating the mayor-elect after the sitting mayor said they sent the wrong message, mainly that any change was coming.
After Baton Rouge and New Orleans Tour, ICE Agents Request Transfer to “Something Calmer,” Like Gaza
ICE agents say Gaza “seems peaceful” after spending several days in Baton Rouge and New Orleans, citing South Louisiana’s unique blend of traffic, politics, and Dodge Chargers driving recklessly.
New Orleans Residents Oppose ICE, Worried That Accountability Could Spread to Other Parts of Government
Protesters promised to return as long as law enforcement continues threatening the city’s long-standing tradition of low expectations.
Mayor-Elect Says No One Told Her Who the Blue-Uniformed People Are, Despite News Confirming They’re the NOPD
The mayor-elect says she has “zero official information” on officers in blue uniforms, despite every news outlet confirming they’re the police.
Moreno Expresses Concern That Federal Raids May Create an “Unwelcoming Atmosphere” for Criminals in New Orleans
Councilwoman Helena Moreno warned that federal raids could create an “unwelcoming atmosphere” for New Orleans criminals, arguing the city has spent years cultivating a space where offenders can operate freely.
Pelicans Fire Head Coach After Team Shooting Percentage Falls Below Cantrell’s Approval Rating
The Pelicans cut ties with Willie Green after the team’s shooting numbers dipped under Mayor LaToya Cantrell’s approval rating, a statistical crisis no one believed possible until this season.
New Orleans Mayor Applies for Wildfire Relief Funding After Third Interstate Bridge Ignites
New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell is asking FEMA for wildfire aid after yet another bridge fire, arguing that “our people may not have forests, but we have bridges, and they burn beautifully.
New Orleans Homeless Man Saves Money by Building Entire Shelter Out of Saints & Pelicans Tickets
After another disappointing Saints season, some fans have turned protest into performance art constructing makeshift shelters under the interstate entirely out of unsold Saints tickets.
Carbon Capture Executives Celebrate: “Finally, a Pollution Crisis We Get Paid to Cause”
Carbon capture has given industry executives the perfect business model. Profit from the pollution, then profit again from pretending to clean it up.
Saints to Start “Most Powerful Woman in Sports” as Quarterback for Upcoming Matchup Against the Panthers
Saints owner Gayle Benson, recently dubbed the “Most Powerful Woman in Sports,” is stepping in as quarterback for this week’s matchup against the Panthers.
Helena Moreno Says No to Fiscal Oversight: “We’re Not Ready for That Kind of Stability Yet”
New Orleans leaders withdrew their $125M bond request, rejecting state oversight as “too stabilizing for our culture of chaos.”
Cantrell Announces Plan to “Preserve Authenticity” by Letting Bourbon Street Collapse Naturally
Mayor LaToya Cantrell has unveiled a plan to “preserve the authenticity” of New Orleans nightlife by letting Bourbon Street decay naturally a preservation strategy that relies less on funding and more on physics.
New Orleans Official Seen in Line at Ace Cash Express Holding Utility Bill and Proof of Residence
New Orleans city officials were seen waiting in line at Ace Cash Express this week, holding utility bills and pleading for an advance to cover payroll
‘No Kings’ Movement Claims Full Success This Morning as Zero Kings Reported Nationwide
The “No Kings” movement flooded social media this morning, declaring victory after confirming that no monarchs currently rule the United States, a condition that, according to historians, has existed since 1776.
New Orleans Officials to Auction Off Cantrell’s Frequent Flier Miles to Cover Hancock Whitney Tower Tax Debt
Mayor Cantrell’s airline miles are being liquidated to help pay taxes on the struggling Shell Tower. The city says it’s “financial creativity,” but locals say it’s just another layover on New Orleans’ nonstop flight to bankruptcy.
Thieves Break Into Cam Jordan’s Home, Leave Broncos Defensive Highlight Reels Scattered About Before Fleeing
Police say burglars broke into Cam Jordan’s home and mysteriously left behind VHS tapes labeled Broncos Defense, an act investigators are calling both “bizarre” and “probably helpful.”
National Guard to Deploy in New Orleans Disguised as Carjackers and Murderers to Gain City Officials’ Trust
Governor Jeff Landry announced that National Guard troops entering New Orleans will now deploy disguised as local carjackers and murderers to gain the trust of city officials, who had previously opposed their presence for being “too law-enforcement adjacent.”
New Orleans Levee Authority Approves Tactical Gear, Still Unsure Who They’re Supposed to Shoot
The Flood Authority’s new SWAT-style unit will reportedly be trained in “tactical sandbagging” and “high-pressure hose control,” though officials admit they’re still “not sure who the enemy is.”
Tyrell Morris Found Guilty of Malfeasance, Immediately Nominated to Head New Orleans Ethics Board
Tyrell Morris’s guilty verdict didn’t slow him down, it sped up his career. In true New Orleans fashion, the former 911 director has already been tapped to chair the city’s Ethics Board, proving once again that corruption is the city’s most reliable job qualification.
Bourbon Street Barriers Awarded City’s First-Ever Participation Trophy in Public Safety
New Orleans has officially honored Bourbon Street’s weakest defenders: the push-over barriers. In a ceremony dripping with irony, city officials awarded them the first-ever Participation Trophy in Public Safety, celebrating not success, but the sheer audacity of just showing up every day.
Hackers Shocked to Discover Orleans Sheriff’s Office Computers Still Running Windows 95
Hackers expecting to strike gold inside the Orleans Parish Sheriff’s Office instead uncovered a relic: computers still chugging along on Windows 95. The surprise left cybercriminals baffled, with the only real threat being an accidental print job on a dusty dot-matrix machine.
Saints Cheerleaders Execute More Successful Formations Than Offensive Line
Saints fans who booed the addition of more men to the cheer squad may want to rethink. At least those guys can hold a formation, unlike the offensive line, which looked like it was practicing modern dance instead of football during two miserable preseason games.
Grounded by Indictment, Cantrell to Attend Westwego’s Global Forum on Boudin Ball Innovation
Indictment may ground her, but Mayor Cantrell insists she’s still shaping global policy, this time from a seafood market in Westwego.
Cantrell Says Indictment Won’t Interrupt Her Commitment to Accomplishing Nothing
Federal charges won’t slow Mayor Cantrell’s famously leisurely approach to leadership, with City Hall assuring residents that “strategic inactivity” remains the top priority.
Post-Jailbreak Donations Drop So Low, Hutson Campaign Now Accepting Canned Goods
NEW ORLEANS, LA – Facing the kind of financial drought usually reserved for abandoned vending machines, Orleans Parish Sheriff Susan Hutson’s re-election campaign has officially entered barter mode. After raising a mere $155 in the wake of a jail escape and a mistaken inmate release, Hutson’s team is pivoting to alternative donations, namely canned corn, […]