Mayor Cantrell Sues for Right to Govern New Orleans from Anywhere But New Orleans
Mayor LaToya Cantrell isn’t letting a little thing like governing New Orleans stop her from living her best life. Now, she’s suing the City Council, arguing that restricting her taxpayer-funded vacations is an unjust attack on her leadership.
Mayor Cantrell Promises to Reverse Population Decline by Arresting Anyone Caught Packing Moving Boxes
As New Orleans’ population plummets, Mayor Cantrell refuses to take the blame. Instead, she’s cracking down on the real problem—people trying to leave. At a press conference before boarding a flight to Dubai, she assured residents, “Ain’t nobody escaping on my watch.”
DOGE’s Audit of New Orleans Halted After Team Gets Carjacked by 14-Year-Olds
DOGE’s attempt to audit New Orleans ended abruptly when their government vehicle was stolen. Mayor Cantrell shrugged it off, calling it “just kids bein’ kids.”
Mayor Cantrell Confuses Fifth Amendment With a Fifth of Hennessy at Hearing
Mayor Cantrell shocked legal experts when she pleaded the Fifth during an NOPD hearing—only to later clarify she was actually talking about the fifth of Hennessy she drank beforehand.
New Orleans Residents Flee in Droves—City Officials Blame ‘Unrealistic’ Expectations for Basic Services
New Orleans leaders insist the real issue isn’t the mass exodus—it’s that residents just don’t appreciate the authentic experience of dodging carjackers and overpaying for broken infrastructure.
New Orleans Officials Warn ‘No Alcohol Reimbursements’ Could Cripple City’s Bribe Negotiations
The New Orleans City Council may finally cut off taxpayer-funded booze tabs, a move some say will cripple deal-making. “We might actually have to govern sober,” one official muttered.
Mayor Cantrell Declares D.C. a Suburb of New Orleans to Circumvent Travel Ban
Facing a travel ban, Mayor Cantrell found a loophole—simply redefining Washington, D.C. as part of New Orleans. Meanwhile, locals worry DA Jason Williams might start dropping charges for Congress members.
NOPD Launches ‘Catch and Release’ Program for Store Clerks Attempting to Defend Themselves
NOPD’s new “Catch and Release” policy ensures store clerks who defend themselves face immediate legal consequences—while armed robbers get a lecture, a free Uber ride, and a city-sponsored second chance.
New Orleans Celebrates 20-Year Anniversary of Abandoned Six Flags Park by Finally Noticing It’s Still There
The rusted roller coasters of New Orleans’ abandoned Six Flags have outlasted most local roads, public transit, and political careers. The city is now considering branding it a “historic ruin.”
City’s Travel Ban Leaves Cantrell ‘Stranded Among the Masses’—Mayor Files Suit to Escape
New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell has filed a lawsuit against the city, claiming the recent travel ban forces her to endure Mardi Gras like a regular citizen—complete with bad weather and bead-throwing chaos.
New Orleans Building Inspectors Awarded for Excellence in Permitting Delays
In a groundbreaking achievement for bureaucratic excellence, the New Orleans Department of Safety and Permits has been honored with the prestigious “Golden Traffic Cone Award” for their unparalleled ability to delay construction permits indefinitely.
Mitch Landrieu’s Career Reduced to Rubble—So He Got a Job Moving It
Mitch Landrieu’s career has officially come full circle—after years of tearing things down, he’s now literally hauling away debris for a paycheck. Following his disastrous stint as co-chair of Kamala Harris’ failed campaign, Landrieu has embraced his one true skill: wrecking things, this time with a crane