DMV Head Says Landry’s QR Inspection Sticker Plan Would Force Agency to Finally Upgrade From Windows 95
Governor Landry’s new QR inspection sticker plan promises cutting-edge technology for Louisiana drivers, assuming the OMV servers running Windows 95 can survive the shock of being asked to generate something from this century.
Jeff Landry Announces New Earthquake Response Office, Staffed With 14 Friends From Campaign
After a rare earthquake shook northwest Louisiana, Governor Jeff Landry announced a brand new state agency to address future tremors, immediately staffing the office with 14 trusted allies from his recent campaign.
LSU to Post Ten Commandments In Classrooms, Seeks Football Season Exemption From Taking The Lord’s Name In Vain
As LSU prepares to post the Ten Commandments in classrooms under the new state mandate, officials quietly requested a football-season exemption from “Thou Shalt Not Take The Lord’s Name In Vain.”
Jeff Landry Demands LSU Men’s Basketball Coach Register as a Liability With the State
After another LSU loss, Governor Jeff Landry has unveiled a new defensive strategy, state registration. The head coach may soon require official paperwork before drawing up another play.
Legislature Promises to Protect Budget Stability by Creating 14 New Committees to Study It
Louisiana finally finds budget stability, immediately places it under investigation. Fourteen committees now studying whether calm financial conditions pose a threat to long-standing traditions.
Louisiana Legislature Unveils Budget Based on Innovative New Math Where Everything Is Affordable Eventually
Budget analysts confirmed the proposal works best when reviewed quickly, without context, and with the understanding that future lawmakers will be responsible for explaining whatever goes wrong.
Landry Floats Idea That If Your Car Survived Louisiana Roads, Inspection Stickers Are Likely Unnecessary
Louisiana may rethink inspection stickers after officials acknowledge the roads themselves already test suspensions, alignment, and faith in humanity on a daily basis.
Landry Spends Two Days Training in North Louisiana Snow to Prepare for Greenland Envoy Role
Officials said the governor’s North Louisiana trip provided all the necessary exposure to ice, snow, and public frustration required to represent Louisiana interests abroad.
Landry Expands Constitutional Carry to Include Harpoons Ahead of Greenland Transition
The expansion clarifies that Louisiana residents may openly carry harpoons so long as they are visible.
Rock the Country Tour to Skip Louisiana Following Reports Jeff Landry Wants Live Texas Steer at Shows
Festival organizers confirmed Louisiana was removed from the tour after reports surfaced that state officials wanted a live Texas steer roaming concert crowds to “restore authenticity.”
Jeff Landry Orders Cajun Navy on Standby After Hearing British Troops Might Be Headed to Greenland
The governor’s office said no deployment orders exist yet, but volunteers were encouraged to prepare boats, cold-weather gear, and the confidence required to arrive before anyone asks for help.
Jeff Landry Volunteers to Run Venezuela for Trump, Appoints Nungesser to Handle “That Greenland Thing” For Him
Governor Jeff Landry reportedly offered to run Venezuela, while casually assigning Billy Nungesser to handle Greenland.
Group Studying Mississippi River Bridge Feasibility Now Tasked With Reviewing U.S.–Greenland Connection at Landry’s Direction
Louisiana officials confirmed the Mississippi River bridge study group has been instructed by Jeff Landry to expand its scope internationally, adding a preliminary review of a possible bridge connecting the U.S. to Greenland.
Jeff Landry Mandates Live Polar Bears Appear at All Future Greenland Football Games, Calls It “Tradition-Building”
Greenland tried football without traditions. Jeff Landry fixed that by mandating live polar bears on the sidelines, proving Louisiana solutions work everywhere, regardless of climate, common sense, or liability laws.
Landry Signs Executive Order to Build Tony Chachere’s Distribution Center in Greenland After Discovering Food There Has “No Real Seasoning”
Louisiana Gov. Jeff Landry signed an executive order exporting Tony Chachere’s to Greenland after determining the region’s cuisine lacked seasoning, heat, and any understanding of what “make it taste right” means.
As Newly Appointed Envoy to Greenland, Jeff Landry Immediately Demands to See Their Football Coaching Contract
Newly appointed Greenland envoy Jeff Landry reportedly stalled diplomatic talks after demanding football contracts and gumbo before determining whether Greenland was ready for serious engagement.
LSU Reaches Deal With Brian Kelly: One Free Caniac Combo Per Month Through 2035
LSU avoided a $54 million payout by giving Brian Kelly a free Caniac Combo once a month for ten years. Baton Rouge calls it “the most Louisiana settlement ever.”
LSU Press Conference Tablecloth Enters Transfer Portal After Being Blamed for Program’s Image Problems
LSU’s press conference tablecloth has officially entered the transfer portal after being blamed for the school’s latest optics crisis, citing “unrealistic expectations” and “a toxic work environment.”
Governor Assumes Roles of LSU President, AD, and Head Football Coach, Rebrands It as Landry State University
Governor Jeff Landry has officially taken over LSU, assuming the roles of president, athletic director, and head coach in what he calls a “streamlined model of leadership efficiency.”
Local Dry Cleaners Rejoice as James Carville Vows to Burn His 1997 LSU Polo Collection
Local dry cleaners across Baton Rouge say they’ve never been happier than hearing James Carville will finally burn his decades-old LSU polos. “They were more sweat than shirt,” one cleaner admitted, calling it a “major victory for fabric and sanity.”
Entire LSU Football Program Revealed to Be Advanced EA Sports Simulation Being Operated by Nick Saban
A whistleblower found the Tiger Stadium control console running an EA Sports simulation coded entirely by Nick Saban.
Meta’s $10 Billion Louisiana Data Center Now $27 Billion After State Adds “Miscellaneous” Line Item
Louisiana’s $10 billion Meta project ballooned to $27 billion after state officials added a single “miscellaneous” line item that cost more than the original facility.
Trump Agrees to Pick LSU Football Coach If Landry Promises to Replace the Tiger Eye With His Portrait at Midfield
Governor Jeff Landry is rumored to have accepted Trump’s offer to select LSU’s next coach in exchange for a few “minor artistic liberties.” The President wants his portrait painted at midfield, complete with glowing eyes and a celestial victory halo.
Jeff Landry Seizes Control of New Orleans Saints, Declares Himself Acting Head Coach Until Further Notice
Governor Jeff Landry declared an executive order seizing control of the New Orleans Saints after another crushing loss, naming himself Acting Head Coach “until further notice.”
Jeff Landry Asks FEMA to Declare Brian Kelly’s Contract a Disaster, Calls on Trump to Force Them to Pay the Buyout
Jeff Landry is calling in FEMA and Donald Trump to deal with what he calls “a man-made catastrophe,” Brian Kelly’s contract. The governor says he’s confident Trump “can negotiate this buyout like it’s a New York hotel remodel.”
Ethics Board Says Collecting $2.7 Million in Outstanding Ethics Fines Would Set Dangerous Precedent of Accountability
Auditors found $2.7 million in unpaid ethics fines, but the Louisiana Ethics Board says it’s choosing a “gentler approach” hoping offenders “just feel bad eventually.”
Governor Landry Approves Ban on AI, Says Louisiana Will Remain “Proudly Behind the Curve”
Louisiana banned AI in state offices this week, with Governor Jeff Landry vowing to keep the state “proudly behind the curve.” State employees are now ordered to stick to cursive, fax machines, and old relatives who “know computers.”
Trump Suggests Governor Landry Deploy National Guard to Replace Saints Offensive Line
Trump proposed Governor Jeff Landry deploy the National Guard to the Superdome, claiming soldiers would provide “tremendous discipline” and “no false starts.” Landry didn’t rule it out, hinting that public safety now includes preventing Rattler from being sacked every other play.
In Historic First, New Orleans Democrats Courageously Reject Government Assistance
Helena Moreno and her colleagues made history by refusing government help, proving Democrats can say no to Washington, so long as it’s law enforcement offering aid. Criminals celebrated the move, praising City Hall for defending their right to operate without interruption.
Senator Duplessis Declares Crisis After State Left with Only 98.5% of Its National Guard
Senator Royce Duplessis has declared Louisiana “in crisis” after Governor Landry sent 135 Guardsmen to D.C. leaving only 98.5% of the Guard at home. Critics say Duplessis may be the first politician in history to treat basic math as a natural disaster.