East Baton Rouge Sheriff’s Office Replaces Entire Central Substation Staff With Pastor Tony Spell
According to officials, 911 operators will first attempt to de-escalate disturbances by simply texting everyone involved a photo of Pastor Tony Spell.
Central Church Pastor Enters UFC Transfer Portal Following Breakout Performance
After a surprise breakout performance thrust him into the spotlight, Central pastor Tony Spell announced he has officially entered the UFC Transfer Portal to explore opportunities at the next level.
Central Pastor’s Seminar On Conflict Resolution Postponed Due To Scheduling Issues
A Central pastor’s planned seminar on conflict resolution has reportedly been postponed due to what church officials are calling an unfortunate scheduling conflict.
Cox Introduces Premium Outage Package With Personalized Estimated Restoration Times
Cox says customers deserve a more personalized outage experience. The internet may still be down, but at least the estimated restoration time can now be wrong specifically for you.
The Sadvocate Begins Offering Print Edition Following Central’s 26th Cox Outage This Month
Cox outages in Central have reportedly become so severe that The Sadvocate has now been forced to launch an emergency printed newspaper edition for local readers.
Central Mayor Seen Removing Shirt at New City Hall to Reclaim Spotlight From Baseball Coach
A high school coach may have started the shirtless trend, but Central’s mayor made sure he finished it, and took the entire news cycle with him.
Central Announces Pay-Per-View Cage Fight Between Mayor and Police Chief Over Budget Dispute
Central residents won’t need another town hall meeting. City leaders have officially decided to settle their police budget dispute the old-fashioned way, inside a cage.
Central City Leaders Enter Third Week of Debate Over Comma Placement in Audit
Central leaders have now spent three weeks debating a comma in an audit report, proving once again that punctuation may be the city’s most controversial infrastructure issue.
Central Greenlights Surf Lake, Considers Gondola System for Sullivan Road Traffic
Central is going big: first a surf lake, now a gondola system over Sullivan Road. Officials say it’ll ease traffic, critics say it’ll look like Disney World on discount. Either way, it’s happening feasibility studies already underway.
Drivers Say They’ll Stop Crashing in St. George to Protest Privatized Accident Reporting
Several drivers have pledged to no longer crash their vehicles within St. George city limits, citing the recent privatization of accident response as a “personal insult to inefficient public service.”
BREC Officials Admit They Forgot About Central’s Parks, Cite ‘Map Was Folded Over’
BREC officials admitted this week they forgot Central had parks at all, blaming a decades-old map with a crease over the area. As Central moves to reclaim control, BREC insists on keeping fuel allocations for parks it neglected—citing audit traditions. Locals just want kids to stop needing tetanus shots after going down the slide.
Central Mayor Storms Baton Rouge City Hall Demanding Credit for Discovering The Sadvocate
Central Mayor Wade Evans says he dove under a Spanish Town float for a Sadvocate tumbler, printed his own shirt, and now Baton Rouge is trying to ride the irony wave he created. “Pick a different fake news source,” he demanded.
Central School Raccoons Allowed to Stay on Buses After Behaving Better Than Students
CENTRAL, La – In an unexpected turn, school administrators managed to convince the Central Bus Drivers Association to let raccoons, recently found on the buses, stay onboard. They pointed out the raccoons were better at following instructions and less disruptive than the kids. Officials said the raccoons were quieter, more orderly, and didn’t cause much […]