Louisiana Voters Demand New Congressional District Be Drawn to Accurately Represent the Overweight
Louisiana’s highest court is being asked to determine if “plus-size voters” deserve their own congressional district, prompting one official to ask if gerrymandering now includes buffet lines.
LSU Announces Plans to Relocate Entire Campus to St. George “For Safety”
LSU has announced plans to relocate its entire campus off Highland Road in St. George, citing safety concerns after a string of recent shootings near campus. Officials say the new location offers “safety, serenity, and better coffee options.”
Trump Announces Baton Rouge Peace Mission, Says It’ll Be Easier Than Gaza Because They Have Better Food
President Trump announced he’ll bring his Gaza peace plan to Baton Rouge, declaring it “much easier” because “they have crawfish there.” He promised “tremendous peace talks” at a Raising Cane’s, insisting extra toast and sauce were “essential diplomatic tools.”
LSU Board Holds Emergency Meeting, Renames Thomas Boyd Hall After 1920s Musket Incident Resurfaces
LSU’s Board of Supervisors convened at 2 a.m. to erase Thomas Boyd’s name after learning he once fired a musket indoors, a response officials say will “restore campus safety through symbolism.
LSU Hires Ed Orgeron as Head of Tailgate Security, Contract Includes Furnished Condo Near Sorority Row
LSU hires Ed Orgeron as Head of Tailgate Security, complete with a campus apartment near Sorority Row and full control over gameday cooler logistics.
LSU to Add Gunfire and Police Siren Sound Effects to Future Hype Playlist So Nobody Notices the Real Ones
LSU officials say the new “realistic” game-day playlist, complete with sirens and gunfire, will help fans stop panicking when they hear the real thing near the North Gates.
Councilman Says His Revitalization Plan Will Make Plank Road The Next Siegen Lane, Residents Say ‘Nah, We’re Good’
Locals say they don’t need another Siegen Lane, they just want one place to eat without having to look over their shoulder.
Ethics Board Says Collecting $2.7 Million in Outstanding Ethics Fines Would Set Dangerous Precedent of Accountability
Auditors found $2.7 million in unpaid ethics fines, but the Louisiana Ethics Board says it’s choosing a “gentler approach” hoping offenders “just feel bad eventually.”
EBR Metro Council Doubles Parking Boot Fee Cap After Predatory Companies Warn Exploiting Drivers No Longer Sustainable
The East Baton Rouge Metro Council voted to double the city’s boot-removal cap after booting companies warned that “exploiting stranded motorists simply isn’t what it used to be.”
New Orleans Officials to Auction Off Cantrell’s Frequent Flier Miles to Cover Hancock Whitney Tower Tax Debt
Mayor Cantrell’s airline miles are being liquidated to help pay taxes on the struggling Shell Tower. The city says it’s “financial creativity,” but locals say it’s just another layover on New Orleans’ nonstop flight to bankruptcy.
Thieves Break Into Cam Jordan’s Home, Leave Broncos Defensive Highlight Reels Scattered About Before Fleeing
Police say burglars broke into Cam Jordan’s home and mysteriously left behind VHS tapes labeled Broncos Defense, an act investigators are calling both “bizarre” and “probably helpful.”
Walker High Implements Policy Requiring Students to Buy $55 “Principal Handshake Tokens” Before Walking Stage
Walker High’s latest graduation policy requires seniors to buy $55 “Principal Handshake Tokens”, a new twist after the school already forced families to purchase brand-new caps and gowns this year.
Department of Revenue No Longer Accepting Cash, State Officials Still Only Accepting Cash
The Louisiana Department of Revenue will no longer accept cash for taxes, but state officials confirm they’re still very much a cash-only operation.
National Guard to Deploy in New Orleans Disguised as Carjackers and Murderers to Gain City Officials’ Trust
Governor Jeff Landry announced that National Guard troops entering New Orleans will now deploy disguised as local carjackers and murderers to gain the trust of city officials, who had previously opposed their presence for being “too law-enforcement adjacent.”
New Orleans Levee Authority Approves Tactical Gear, Still Unsure Who They’re Supposed to Shoot
The Flood Authority’s new SWAT-style unit will reportedly be trained in “tactical sandbagging” and “high-pressure hose control,” though officials admit they’re still “not sure who the enemy is.”
Customers Mistake Government Shutdown for Government Street Shutdown, Camp Overnight at Anthony’s to Secure Muffulettas
Baton Rouge residents camped outside Anthony’s Italian Deli after mistaking the federal government shutdown for a shutdown of Government Street. Locals feared losing access to muffulettas, prompting overnight lines, sleeping bags, and panic worthy of Black Friday.
Moreno Declines “Kiss of Death” Endorsement From Landrieu Following Kamala’s Faceplant After His Backing
Helena Moreno has sidestepped Mitch Landrieu’s unlucky endorsement streak, distancing herself from what some call the “kiss of death.”
New Orleans Credit Rating Drops, City Forced to Put Pump Repairs on Layaway
New Orleans’ bond rating has sunk so low that city officials now plan to repair drainage pumps on a layaway system, fixing them in pieces as minimum payments clear.
Cleo Fields Explains Stock Purchase: “I Thought Oracle Was a Seafood Restaurant”
Rep. Cleo Fields defended his Oracle stock purchase by insisting he thought it was a seafood restaurant. After Googling the name during a committee break, Fields said he was “just trying to support local dining,” confusing oysters with cloud storage in a uniquely Baton Rouge mix-up.
Future Highland and Pecue Traffic Light to Be Showcased in National Museum of Poor Planning
Baton Rouge’s latest “upgrade” funnels thousands of interstate cars into a two-lane dead end at Highland and Pecue. Residents rejected a traffic circle, ensuring the new light will soon join Government Street construction as a permanent case study in dysfunction.
Seven LSU Anti-MAGA Protesters Detained, Parents Furious They Had to Miss Bingo Night to Come Pick Them Up
Seven LSU students were detained during a small anti-MAGA protest Wednesday, but the loudest complaints came from parents who had to leave bingo night early to pick them up.
DOTD to Install Wi-fi on Mississippi River Bridge So Commuters Can Stream Netflix While Stuck in Traffic
The DOTD has announced free Wi-Fi for the Mississippi River Bridge, admitting traffic won’t improve but commuters will at least be able to binge their favorite shows while waiting.
Denham Springs Council Asks National Guard to Assist in Removing Unauthorized Christmas Lights Put Up Before November
Denham Springs council members have escalated their war on premature holiday spirit by asking the National Guard to dismantle Christmas lights before November. Officials say local code enforcement couldn’t keep up with early decorators, leaving soldiers to cut down rogue Santas and inflatables in midnight raids.
Governor Landry Orders Louisiana National Guard to Seize LSU’s Offensive Playbook and Have it Immediately Destroyed
Governor Jeff Landry has ordered the National Guard to raid LSU’s football facility and seize Joe Sloan’s offensive playbook. The governor called it a danger to public morale, vowing the pages will be destroyed before fans suffer through another predictable Saturday
Governor Deploys National Guard to Baton Rouge, Orders Immediate Impound of All Altimas With Texas Plates
Governor Jeff Landry announced plans to deploy 1,000 National Guard troops in Baton Rouge, not for crime or disaster relief, but to seize every Nissan Altima with Texas plates. Officials say the crackdown could soon expand to Dodge Chargers and Camaros.
Orleans DA Scrambles to Hire Hundreds of Attorneys to Assist Dismissing Charges Ahead of National Guard’s Arrival
Orleans Parish DA’s office is scrambling to hire hundreds of attorneys ahead of the National Guard’s arrival, not to prosecute cases, but to dismiss them. Officials admit the new hires will be measured on “throughput, not outcomes,” as the city braces for mass revolving-door justice.
Officials Say 27-28 College Championship Game Will Be Safe, Provided You Don’t Bring a Purse, Wallet, or Vehicle
City officials assured fans the 2027 title game will be perfectly safe, as long as they don’t bring purses, wallets, or vehicles into New Orleans.
Governor Landry Approves Ban on AI, Says Louisiana Will Remain “Proudly Behind the Curve”
Louisiana banned AI in state offices this week, with Governor Jeff Landry vowing to keep the state “proudly behind the curve.” State employees are now ordered to stick to cursive, fax machines, and old relatives who “know computers.”
Coach Kelly Skips Monday Press Conference, Claims He’s Still in Concussion Protocol from Watching the Defense
LSU’s head coach skipped today’s press conference, citing “concussion protocol” after watching his defense collapse for four quarters. Reporters were left with an empty podium, while fans questioned if silence is now the Tigers’ only effective strategy.
NFL Fines New Orleans Saints For Impersonating Professional Football Team
The NFL has fined the New Orleans Saints for “impersonating a professional football team,” citing Sunday’s loss to Buffalo as the final straw. Officials say the money will be redirected to teach the offense basic football concepts, something fans claim has been missing for years.