Governor Jeff Landry Issues Executive Order for ‘Keep Tiger Town Beautiful’ to Clean Up The LSU Athletic Dept
Governor Jeff Landry has issued an executive order for Keep Tiger Town Beautiful to clean up the LSU Athletic Dept.
State Officials Will Dispose of Smitty’s Toxic Sludge in Jefferson Parish After Assuming “Sure, Whatever” Counted as Consent
State regulators greenlit shipments of Smitty’s sludge to Jefferson Parish after mistaking a distracted “sure, whatever” as formal approval.
AG Intern Spots Missing Artifact While Perusing Schexnayder’s “Hunting Camp” Facebook Photo Feed
An AG intern scrolling through Clay Schexnayder’s hunting camp photos accidentally cracked the state’s biggest missing-artifact case by spotting a 1,264-year-old board being used as an ATV ramp.
Bond Commission Signs Off on New Orleans’ Loan After Requesting the City Provide a Current Phone Bill and Proof of Residence
State officials approved New Orleans’ emergency loan only after the city provided a current phone bill and proof of residence, requirements typically reserved for college freshmen renting their first apartment.
Councilman Graves in Zachary Requests Streets Dept. Provide a Map of All Hyperlinks in the City
A simple proposal to add hyperlinks to ordinance drafts collapsed into confusion when Councilman James Graves asked the city to “chart out where the hyperlinks physically run.”
Brian Kelly Withdraws Lawsuit After Finding LSU Termination Email in AOL Spam Folder
Brian Kelly’s $54 million lawsuit against LSU ended abruptly after he found his termination notice buried in his AOL spam folder, right between a FanDuel ad and a “You’ve Got Mail” reminder.
Denham Springs Council Approves Convention Center, Prohibits Any Conventions From Taking Place Inside
The Denham Springs City Council approved a new $45 million convention center, but made sure to prohibit any conventions from actually taking place inside.
LSU Reaches Deal With Brian Kelly: One Free Caniac Combo Per Month Through 2035
LSU avoided a $54 million payout by giving Brian Kelly a free Caniac Combo once a month for ten years. Baton Rouge calls it “the most Louisiana settlement ever.”
Mayor Sparks Media Outrage by Hiring Qualified CAO, Violating Decades-Old Baton Rouge Custom
Mayor Sid Edwards is under fire for ending Baton Rouge’s proud City Hall tradition of hiring unqualified administrators by selecting a CAO who actually knows what she’s doing.
LSU Interfraternity Council Expands Hazing Rules to Include “Forcing Pledges to Watch A&M Replay”
LSU’s Interfraternity Council has officially expanded its hazing policy to include “forcing pledges to watch the LSU–Texas A&M replay,” describing the act as psychological cruelty.
Delivery Truck Spotted Dropping Off Cases of Headsets at LSU, Saban Rumors Ignite Across Baton Rouge
Baton Rouge erupted Friday after a delivery truck unloaded pallets of headsets at Tiger Stadium, instantly reigniting rumors of Nick Saban’s possible return.
Brian Kelly Files Infringement Suit Against LSU for Using His Trademarked “Up the Middle on 3rd and Long” Play
Kelly insists LSU owes him royalties for running his “intellectual property of incompetence,” describing the 3rd-and-long quarterback draw as “a masterpiece of confusion and regret.”
LSU’s Offensive Playbook Discovered to Be Just One Page That Says “Screen Pass”
LSU fans were shocked to learn that the team’s offensive playbook consists of a single laminated page reading “Screen Pass.” Officials are calling it a “historic artifact” that continues to ensure predictability.
New Orleans Mayor Applies for Wildfire Relief Funding After Third Interstate Bridge Ignites
New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell is asking FEMA for wildfire aid after yet another bridge fire, arguing that “our people may not have forests, but we have bridges, and they burn beautifully.
Passengers Unsure if Flight Cancellations Are From Shutdown or Just a Regular Tuesday at BTR
As flight cancellations swept the nation, Baton Rouge travelers admitted they couldn’t tell whether it was the government shutdown or just another Tuesday at the airport.
Louisiana Treasurer Forms Task Force to Review Citizens’ Facebook Posts Before Releasing Unclaimed Property
Louisiana Treasurer John Fleming has reportedly formed a task force to screen citizens’ Facebook posts before releasing their unclaimed property, assigning each a “Patriot Score” based on online behavior.
Cleo Fields Buys U-Haul Stock Ahead of NYC Election, Cites “Another Lucky Guess”
Congressman Cleo Fields once again nails the timing, this time betting big on U-Haul right before New Yorkers start planning their exits.
Pelosi Won’t Seek Reelection, Cites Fatigue From Decades of Accidentally Timing Every Trade
Nancy Pelosi announced she won’t seek reelection, citing exhaustion from years of “accidentally timing every trade.”
LSU Athletics Staff to Operate on 8-Hour Contracts Under Rousse’s New “Interim Forever” Plan
LSU President Wade Rousse has announced a radical “Interim Forever” plan placing all athletics staff on 8-hour contracts, ensuring LSU remains “nimble, responsive, and always in a state of mild panic.”
Escaped Monkey Went Unnoticed in Mississippi After Growing Mullet and Getting Confederate Tattoo
Officials say the escaped Tulane monkey “nearly got away with it” after blending into Biloxi life with a mullet, a faded tattoo, and a Marlboro hanging from his mouth.
Brian Kelly Offers LSU $500 Buyout Credit for Every Screen Pass He Called on 3rd and Long
Former LSU head coach Brian Kelly has reportedly offered the university a $500 buyout credit for every screen pass he called on 3rd and long, a move accountants say could wipe out his entire payout.
LSU Press Conference Tablecloth Enters Transfer Portal After Being Blamed for Program’s Image Problems
LSU’s press conference tablecloth has officially entered the transfer portal after being blamed for the school’s latest optics crisis, citing “unrealistic expectations” and “a toxic work environment.”
New Orleans Homeless Man Saves Money by Building Entire Shelter Out of Saints & Pelicans Tickets
After another disappointing Saints season, some fans have turned protest into performance art constructing makeshift shelters under the interstate entirely out of unsold Saints tickets.
Carbon Capture Executives Celebrate: “Finally, a Pollution Crisis We Get Paid to Cause”
Carbon capture has given industry executives the perfect business model. Profit from the pollution, then profit again from pretending to clean it up.
DOTD Announces New Study On How To Stop U-Club Residents From Asking About Nicholson Traffic Light
The Louisiana DOTD has announced new action at Nicholson and University Club, not to install a light, but to stop residents from asking for one.
Saints to Start “Most Powerful Woman in Sports” as Quarterback for Upcoming Matchup Against the Panthers
Saints owner Gayle Benson, recently dubbed the “Most Powerful Woman in Sports,” is stepping in as quarterback for this week’s matchup against the Panthers.
Governor Assumes Roles of LSU President, AD, and Head Football Coach, Rebrands It as Landry State University
Governor Jeff Landry has officially taken over LSU, assuming the roles of president, athletic director, and head coach in what he calls a “streamlined model of leadership efficiency.”
Local Dry Cleaners Rejoice as James Carville Vows to Burn His 1997 LSU Polo Collection
Local dry cleaners across Baton Rouge say they’ve never been happier than hearing James Carville will finally burn his decades-old LSU polos. “They were more sweat than shirt,” one cleaner admitted, calling it a “major victory for fabric and sanity.”
Entire LSU Football Program Revealed to Be Advanced EA Sports Simulation Being Operated by Nick Saban
A whistleblower found the Tiger Stadium control console running an EA Sports simulation coded entirely by Nick Saban.
Meta’s $10 Billion Louisiana Data Center Now $27 Billion After State Adds “Miscellaneous” Line Item
Louisiana’s $10 billion Meta project ballooned to $27 billion after state officials added a single “miscellaneous” line item that cost more than the original facility.