Saints Officially End Political Division in Louisiana After Left and Right Both Agree They Suck
After years of bitter political division, Louisiana has finally united, over how terrible the Saints are. Both parties came together Sunday to condemn the team’s fifth straight loss, calling it “a unifying tragedy” and awarding them the Louisiana Medal of Mutual Disappointment.
Airbnb Honors 19th JDC with ‘Most Short-Term Stays’ Award for EBR Parish Prison Partnership
The 19th Judicial District Court was honored by Airbnb this week for transforming incarceration into a “flexible lodging experience,” complete with express checkouts and no accountability fees.
Jeff Landry Seizes Control of New Orleans Saints, Declares Himself Acting Head Coach Until Further Notice
Governor Jeff Landry declared an executive order seizing control of the New Orleans Saints after another crushing loss, naming himself Acting Head Coach “until further notice.”
‘No Kings’ Movement Claims Full Success This Morning as Zero Kings Reported Nationwide
The “No Kings” movement flooded social media this morning, declaring victory after confirming that no monarchs currently rule the United States, a condition that, according to historians, has existed since 1776.
Jeff Landry Asks FEMA to Declare Brian Kelly’s Contract a Disaster, Calls on Trump to Force Them to Pay the Buyout
Jeff Landry is calling in FEMA and Donald Trump to deal with what he calls “a man-made catastrophe,” Brian Kelly’s contract. The governor says he’s confident Trump “can negotiate this buyout like it’s a New York hotel remodel.”
Officials Brace for Dozens as ‘No Pharaohs’ Protest Hits Downtown Baton Rouge Sunday
The “No Pharaohs” demonstrators say they’re not stopping until every trace of ancient Egyptian influence is removed from U.S. politics, or until someone finally explains to them that there isn’t any.
Baton Rouge Airport Director Confirms Broadcast Suspension After Baby in Pampers Ad Seen Waving American Flag
Baton Rouge’s publicly funded airport is taking censorship to new heights, first blocking Kristi Noem’s video, now grounding a baby for waving the flag.
State Suspends Carbon Capture Over Safety Concerns, Approves 19 New Chemical Plants Instead
Governor Jeff Landry’s new moratorium on carbon capture aims to “protect public safety” while the state quietly approves nineteen chemical plants that will release the same emissions.
State Police to Deploy Taco Bell Pop-Ups on North Side of Campus to Deter Anyone Stoned From Entering During Home Games
LSU’s new safety plan includes 12 mobile Taco Bell pop-ups meant to lure “munchies-motivated individuals” off campus before trouble starts.
Louisiana Voters Demand New Congressional District Be Drawn to Accurately Represent the Overweight
Louisiana’s highest court is being asked to determine if “plus-size voters” deserve their own congressional district, prompting one official to ask if gerrymandering now includes buffet lines.
LSU Announces Plans to Relocate Entire Campus to St. George “For Safety”
LSU has announced plans to relocate its entire campus off Highland Road in St. George, citing safety concerns after a string of recent shootings near campus. Officials say the new location offers “safety, serenity, and better coffee options.”
Trump Announces Baton Rouge Peace Mission, Says It’ll Be Easier Than Gaza Because They Have Better Food
President Trump announced he’ll bring his Gaza peace plan to Baton Rouge, declaring it “much easier” because “they have crawfish there.” He promised “tremendous peace talks” at a Raising Cane’s, insisting extra toast and sauce were “essential diplomatic tools.”
LSU Board Holds Emergency Meeting, Renames Thomas Boyd Hall After 1920s Musket Incident Resurfaces
LSU’s Board of Supervisors convened at 2 a.m. to erase Thomas Boyd’s name after learning he once fired a musket indoors, a response officials say will “restore campus safety through symbolism.
LSU Hires Ed Orgeron as Head of Tailgate Security, Contract Includes Furnished Condo Near Sorority Row
LSU hires Ed Orgeron as Head of Tailgate Security, complete with a campus apartment near Sorority Row and full control over gameday cooler logistics.
LSU to Add Gunfire and Police Siren Sound Effects to Future Hype Playlist So Nobody Notices the Real Ones
LSU officials say the new “realistic” game-day playlist, complete with sirens and gunfire, will help fans stop panicking when they hear the real thing near the North Gates.
Councilman Says His Revitalization Plan Will Make Plank Road The Next Siegen Lane, Residents Say ‘Nah, We’re Good’
Locals say they don’t need another Siegen Lane, they just want one place to eat without having to look over their shoulder.
Ethics Board Says Collecting $2.7 Million in Outstanding Ethics Fines Would Set Dangerous Precedent of Accountability
Auditors found $2.7 million in unpaid ethics fines, but the Louisiana Ethics Board says it’s choosing a “gentler approach” hoping offenders “just feel bad eventually.”
EBR Metro Council Doubles Parking Boot Fee Cap After Predatory Companies Warn Exploiting Drivers No Longer Sustainable
The East Baton Rouge Metro Council voted to double the city’s boot-removal cap after booting companies warned that “exploiting stranded motorists simply isn’t what it used to be.”
New Orleans Officials to Auction Off Cantrell’s Frequent Flier Miles to Cover Hancock Whitney Tower Tax Debt
Mayor Cantrell’s airline miles are being liquidated to help pay taxes on the struggling Shell Tower. The city says it’s “financial creativity,” but locals say it’s just another layover on New Orleans’ nonstop flight to bankruptcy.
Thieves Break Into Cam Jordan’s Home, Leave Broncos Defensive Highlight Reels Scattered About Before Fleeing
Police say burglars broke into Cam Jordan’s home and mysteriously left behind VHS tapes labeled Broncos Defense, an act investigators are calling both “bizarre” and “probably helpful.”
Walker High Implements Policy Requiring Students to Buy $55 “Principal Handshake Tokens” Before Walking Stage
Walker High’s latest graduation policy requires seniors to buy $55 “Principal Handshake Tokens”, a new twist after the school already forced families to purchase brand-new caps and gowns this year.
Department of Revenue No Longer Accepting Cash, State Officials Still Only Accepting Cash
The Louisiana Department of Revenue will no longer accept cash for taxes, but state officials confirm they’re still very much a cash-only operation.
National Guard to Deploy in New Orleans Disguised as Carjackers and Murderers to Gain City Officials’ Trust
Governor Jeff Landry announced that National Guard troops entering New Orleans will now deploy disguised as local carjackers and murderers to gain the trust of city officials, who had previously opposed their presence for being “too law-enforcement adjacent.”
New Orleans Levee Authority Approves Tactical Gear, Still Unsure Who They’re Supposed to Shoot
The Flood Authority’s new SWAT-style unit will reportedly be trained in “tactical sandbagging” and “high-pressure hose control,” though officials admit they’re still “not sure who the enemy is.”
Customers Mistake Government Shutdown for Government Street Shutdown, Camp Overnight at Anthony’s to Secure Muffulettas
Baton Rouge residents camped outside Anthony’s Italian Deli after mistaking the federal government shutdown for a shutdown of Government Street. Locals feared losing access to muffulettas, prompting overnight lines, sleeping bags, and panic worthy of Black Friday.
Moreno Declines “Kiss of Death” Endorsement From Landrieu Following Kamala’s Faceplant After His Backing
Helena Moreno has sidestepped Mitch Landrieu’s unlucky endorsement streak, distancing herself from what some call the “kiss of death.”
New Orleans Credit Rating Drops, City Forced to Put Pump Repairs on Layaway
New Orleans’ bond rating has sunk so low that city officials now plan to repair drainage pumps on a layaway system, fixing them in pieces as minimum payments clear.
Cleo Fields Explains Stock Purchase: “I Thought Oracle Was a Seafood Restaurant”
Rep. Cleo Fields defended his Oracle stock purchase by insisting he thought it was a seafood restaurant. After Googling the name during a committee break, Fields said he was “just trying to support local dining,” confusing oysters with cloud storage in a uniquely Baton Rouge mix-up.
Future Highland and Pecue Traffic Light to Be Showcased in National Museum of Poor Planning
Baton Rouge’s latest “upgrade” funnels thousands of interstate cars into a two-lane dead end at Highland and Pecue. Residents rejected a traffic circle, ensuring the new light will soon join Government Street construction as a permanent case study in dysfunction.
Seven LSU Anti-MAGA Protesters Detained, Parents Furious They Had to Miss Bingo Night to Come Pick Them Up
Seven LSU students were detained during a small anti-MAGA protest Wednesday, but the loudest complaints came from parents who had to leave bingo night early to pick them up.