Landry Sends Troops to D.C., Because New Orleans Clearly Has Things Under Control
Governor Jeff Landry deployed the Louisiana National Guard to Washington, D.C., leaving New Orleans residents wondering why the “murder capital of America” didn’t get the help first. Locals joked the Guard might only show up in the city if they got lost on the way home.
EBR Schools Redefine Truancy as ‘Nontraditional Attendance’ to Boost Graduation Rates
Baton Rouge schools have found a new fix for chronic absences: just rename them. Truancy will now be known as “nontraditional attendance,” a phrase officials say reflects “creative learning pathways.”
Orgeron Plans to Send Ex-Wife to Several SEC Universities to Negotiate Coaching Return
Former LSU coach Ed Orgeron has turned his job search into a joint venture with his ex-wife, who recently won $8 million from his buyout. She’s now negotiating directly with Mississippi State, demanding signing bonuses and custody of season tickets.
Saints Cheerleaders Execute More Successful Formations Than Offensive Line
Saints fans who booed the addition of more men to the cheer squad may want to rethink. At least those guys can hold a formation, unlike the offensive line, which looked like it was practicing modern dance instead of football during two miserable preseason games.
Vappie’s Defense Team Considering Insanity Plea: “No Sane Man Would’ve Slept With Cantrell”
Officer Jeffrey Vappie’s defense team is weighing an insanity plea, arguing no rational man would risk his career and freedom for taxpayer-funded vacations with Mayor Cantrell. Prosecutors, however, remain skeptical, saying poor taste isn’t a recognized legal defense, at least not yet.
Insurance Industry Admits Lower Rates Possible; Swears It Won’t Happen Again
Louisiana drivers are stunned as auto insurance rates actually dip for once. Insurers admit the decrease was a “clerical error” and vow it won’t become a habit. Officials reassure residents: normal rate hikes will return soon.
Grounded by Indictment, Cantrell to Attend Westwego’s Global Forum on Boudin Ball Innovation
Indictment may ground her, but Mayor Cantrell insists she’s still shaping global policy, this time from a seafood market in Westwego.
Central Greenlights Surf Lake, Considers Gondola System for Sullivan Road Traffic
Central is going big: first a surf lake, now a gondola system over Sullivan Road. Officials say it’ll ease traffic, critics say it’ll look like Disney World on discount. Either way, it’s happening feasibility studies already underway.
Cantrell Says Indictment Won’t Interrupt Her Commitment to Accomplishing Nothing
Federal charges won’t slow Mayor Cantrell’s famously leisurely approach to leadership, with City Hall assuring residents that “strategic inactivity” remains the top priority.
Denham Springs Police Raid Local Ice Cream Shop, Seize 12 Cases of Rum Raisin
Officers warned that Rum Raisin posed a “moral threat,” even going so far as to bag the tubs as evidence of frozen rebellion. Critics say the raid shows the city clings to Prohibition logic whenever it suits them.
Zachary Man Kills Girlfriend’s Dad at Dad’s Home, Gets Same Sentence as Kid Who Egged a House
A Louisiana man broke into his underage girlfriend’s father’s home, killed the man, and walked away with just probation. The judge’s reasoning? Rehabilitation, so long as it doesn’t interfere with Wheel of Fortune. Welcome to Homicide Lite™, where bedtime is the new justice.
LSU Hires Indicted Developer For Arena Project After Struggling To Find One With Felony Warrants
City leaders defend the move as “perfectly on brand” for Louisiana. The arena is set to include a “Jury Deliberation Suite” for VIPs, and opening night will bring out everyone from ex-mayors to celebrity athletes with pending charges.
Denham Springs Says Ice Cream Parlor Too Holy for Liquor License, Not Holy Enough For Tax Exemption
Denham Springs ruled Mustard Seed Creamery is a church for blocking booze, but a business when it’s time to collect taxes.
Livingston Family’s Pet Deer “Rehomed” to Freezer After Surprise LDWF Raid
Officials claim a pet deer on private acreage is a major threat, though they admit they’re still figuring out exactly what that threat is.
OLOL Bids $50M for LSU Arena Naming Rights, Says It’ll Take 12 ER Visits to Recoup
Hospital officials say the $50 million arena deal is a “community investment.” But for patients facing $6,000 bills for minor injuries, it feels more like a reminder that billing is the only sport they truly dominate.
Orleans Parish Criminal Court Goes Fully Paperless By Dumping Records in Trash
In a surprise leap toward “modernization,” New Orleans’ criminal court has gone paperless by reportedly tossing its files in a dumpster. Officials insist this isn’t negligence, but “innovative documentation liberation.”
SLU Says Professor Dismissed for Use of Comic Sans in Reports, Not Lake Maurepas Findings
While her research raised alarms about toxins in Lake Maurepas, SLU says Dr. Emami’s choice of Comic Sans made the information “aesthetic malpractice.” The university acted swiftly to preserve its reputation, if not the lake.
Indian Shrimp Hit with Tariff; Local Shrimpers Shocked to Learn Feds Actually Helped Them
Louisiana shrimpers were stunned this week after a rare sighting: government policy that actually helped them. Trump’s 25% tariff on Indian shrimp imports could mark the first meaningful boost to the state’s struggling shrimp industry in years.
Post-Jailbreak Donations Drop So Low, Hutson Campaign Now Accepting Canned Goods
NEW ORLEANS, LA – Facing the kind of financial drought usually reserved for abandoned vending machines, Orleans Parish Sheriff Susan Hutson’s re-election campaign has officially entered barter mode. After raising a mere $155 in the wake of a jail escape and a mistaken inmate release, Hutson’s team is pivoting to alternative donations, namely canned corn, […]
Crawfish Bill Introduced in Historic Bipartisan Effort to Accomplish Absolutely Nothing
BATON ROUGE, LA – In a rare moment of unity, Louisiana Reps. Cleo Fields (D) and Clay Higgins (R) have co-sponsored a crawfish-related bill that accomplishes little more than proving Congress is technically still capable of introducing legislation. The proposed Crawfish Accountability in Federal Labeling and Standards Act aims to increase transparency around imported crawfish, […]
SLU Scientist Who Found Metals in Lake Maurepas Reassigned to Campus Gift Shop
After reporting contamination in Lake Maurepas, an SLU researcher has traded lab gloves for barcode scanners. The university says the gift shop role “better aligns with the school’s messaging,” now selling branded merchandise instead of raising environmental concerns.
Orleans DA Recruits Fired Jail Deputies, Citing “Unmatched Experience in Emptying Jails”
After two deputies were fired for mistakenly releasing an inmate, DA Jason Williams quickly recruited them for a new unit within his office. The “Accelerated Release Taskforce” is designed to fast-track freedom for suspects before formal charges even materialize an approach Williams calls “efficient, if nothing else.”
Forum Moderator Accidentally Becomes Frontrunner in Orleans Sheriff Race After Sounding Marginally Competent
The Orleans Parish sheriff forum took a turn when the moderator, not a candidate, became the star. Voters say her ability to speak clearly and not dodge questions makes her the new unofficial frontrunner—despite not even running
New ‘Equitable’ Crescent City ID Guarantees Access to Incompetent Services for All
New Orleans’ new ID card guarantees equity by offering every resident the same access to broken, missing, or imaginary public services.
Landry: DMV Excited to Replace Old Confusing Process With New, Sleeker Confusing Process
Governor Jeff Landry says Louisiana’s new OMV software will “revolutionize” the DMV experience by replacing the old confusing system with a modern, equally confusing one only sleeker and in high definition.
Perkins Overpass Project’s Phase One Includes Removing Everything People Liked About Perkins
Phase One of the Perkins Road Overpass project has begun with a clear mission: remove everything people actually liked about Perkins.
BREC Builds Temporary Splash Pad at the Brave Cave; Claims It’s Much Safer Than Howell Park
Despite Brave Cave’s dark history, the new splash pad’s security measures make it a better option than Howell Park’s pool that lasted only a month.
BREC Zoo Installs “Caution: Animals May Be Alive” Signs to Prevent Future Lawsuits
After a child was bitten by a zoo bird, BREC defended itself by claiming it couldn’t have predicted such wild behavior from a live animal. In response, the Baton Rouge Zoo has installed new signs reading “Caution: Animals May Be Alive” to prevent future lawsuits
Escape Room Franchise Sues Orleans Parish Jail for Copyright Infringement
Sheriff Susan Hutson denies OPSO is an entertainment venue, though admits, “at this point, maybe we should start charging admission.”
West Feliciana President Launches Hands-On Leadership Tour, First Stop: Your Face
When a man questioned the ethics of a parish land sale, President Kenny Havard delivered answers in the form of a punch. The “Hands-On Leadership” tour was born with bruises, not brochures.