BATON ROUGE, LA – Just hours after President Trump reportedly hosted a UFC event on the White House lawn, Governor Jeff Landry announced Louisiana would respond with what many experts consider an even more elite combat competition: live Waffle House employee fights on the Governor’s Mansion lawn.
According to the governor’s office, participants will be selected from Waffle House locations across Louisiana based on experience, composure under pressure, and the ability to continue serving breakfast to intoxicated patrons while being involved in a brawl with your coworkers, the cook and at least two other drunks.
“We wanted to showcase Louisiana’s toughest citizens,” Landry said during a press conference. “After reviewing military personnel, professional fighters, and people trying to merge onto I-10 at 4:40 PM, we unanimously agreed that Waffle House employees were still the safest bet.”
The main event is expected to feature two veteran night-shift cooks with a combined 37 years of experience breaking up arguments over the difference between over-easy and over-medium eggs.
Security officials initially considered hiring extra state troopers for crowd control but later determined the Waffle House employees would likely handle that responsibility themselves.
For added realism, spectators are encouraged to arrive slightly inebriated and heckle the fighters in hopes of inadvertently being attacked and becoming part of the competition.
