WASHINGTON, DC – Federal officials quietly acknowledged this week that the government’s long-rumored chemtrail program has faced unexpected logistical delays, citing an ongoing inability to recruit commercial airline pilots willing to intentionally poison themselves, their spouses, and their children on a daily basis.
According to sources familiar with the operation, early planning assumed pilots would be “largely indifferent” to the long-term health effects of dispersing mind-altering or toxic chemicals at cruising altitude. That assumption, officials now admit, may have been overly optimistic.
“We budgeted for fuel, chemicals, and secrecy,” said an anonymous program coordinator. “What we failed to account for was pilots asking basic follow-up questions like, ‘Will this affect my kids?’”
Recruitment materials reportedly emphasized competitive pay, strong benefits, and vague assurances that the chemicals were “probably fine,” but officials say interest dropped sharply once applicants realized they would also be breathing the substances while flying directly over their own homes.
In the meantime, the government has encouraged the public to remain vigilant about white streaks in the sky, noting that visible condensation trails continue to be “an excellent distraction” from pollution sources that are far easier to locate, regulate, and ignore.
