BATON ROUGE, La. – In a daring display of legislative courage, Louisiana State Representative John R. Illg, Jr. (District 78) has introduced a bill to address what he clearly believes is the most pressing crisis facing the state: the time of day LSU plays football.

As residents grapple with unaffordable insurance, decaying infrastructure, teacher shortages, and violent crime, Illg is laser-focused on the true enemy—sunlight during kickoff. His bill urges the SEC to avoid scheduling LSU home games at noon, citing “health concerns,” “fan comfort,” and what sources close to him call “an ongoing battle with underarm sweat.”

“This isn’t about me,” Illg said, wiping his brow. “It’s about the thousands of Louisiana citizens who risk heatstroke just to watch us underperform against Mississippi State.”

Dubbed the “Noon Game Neutralization Act,” the bill has sparked support from overheated tailgaters and others who enjoy pretending this is the state’s biggest issue.

Meanwhile, legislation to lower insurance rates, fix crumbling roads, and address record-level outmigration sits untouched—probably because those issues can’t be solved with a kickoff delay and a cold beer.

But rest assured: while everything else burns, Louisiana football fans may soon sweat a little less.