NEW ORLEANS, LA – Residents in New Orleans gathered this week for a spirited protest against ICE after agents arrived to conduct raids and investigations, an action many locals considered deeply offensive to the city’s long-standing commitment to unmitigated chaos. Demonstrators insisted the sudden presence of law enforcement threatened the “delicate ecosystem” that has allowed New Orleans to proudly dominate national crime rankings for years.
Several protestors said they feared safer streets could cause landlords to raise rent, a worst-case scenario that would leave many without the comfort of daily sirens as background noise. Others expressed concern that fewer carjackings might reduce the steady flow of viral videos that have become part of the city’s cultural export portfolio.
Meanwhile, the mayor-elect publicly demanded ICE reveal its “full plan,” hoping to ensure any attempted enforcement didn’t inadvertently improve conditions or disrupt the fragile harmony between residents and the criminals who allegedly run half the intersections.
“It’s not that we want crime,” one protestor said while locking their own car twice. “We just don’t want anyone interfering with it.”
City officials assured residents they would continue pushing back on any outside attempt to make New Orleans safer than it has been since the invention of statistics.
