NEW ORLEANS, LA – ICE officials reportedly issued an unprecedented request this week, asking federal leadership to reassign them to “a less stressful, lower-intensity environment,” specifically citing Gaza as their preferred posting after enduring several days in Baton Rouge and New Orleans. According to agents, the “war-torn region would offer more stability, clearer rules of engagement, and significantly fewer Dodge Chargers and Challengers impeding us by doing donuts at every intersection after 1:00 AM.”
One field officer, visibly rattled after accidentally entering a Facebook neighborhood group in Mid City, said the online comments alone “made active conflict zones feel much safer.” Another noted that during a routine patrol in New Orleans, residents protested their mere presence while simultaneously demanding to know why no one had stopped last night’s 6 carjackings. “Impossible missions are fine,” the agent said, “but contradictory missions? That’s where we draw the line.”
Agents also described the emotional toll of navigating Baton Rouge traffic, claiming it “contains the same ambient fear as incoming artillery but with much worse signage.” Several cited the stress of trying to enforce federal law in a place where city politics, parish politics, and state politics all collide like a six-car pileup on I-110.
As for what comes next, agents say they’ll keep doing their jobs in Louisiana, though many have begun quietly Googling “peaceful conflict zones” during lunch. One admitted he’s already packed his bags, noting that even a disputed border sounds easier to navigate than Airline Highway at 4 p.m.
