NEW ORLEANS, LA – The Pelicans announced Saturday that head coach Willie Green had been relieved of his duties after the team’s shooting percentage plunged to a level the front office described as “mathematically disrespectful.” Analysts noted the final straw came when the team’s shooting numbers slipped under Mayor LaToya Cantrell’s citywide approval rating, a benchmark many assumed was impossible to underperform.
Interim coach James Borrego was introduced shortly after the firing. He promised that the team would “work tirelessly to get our numbers back above the Mayor’s,” a bar he admitted was “not as high as you might think, but still apparently too high for our offense.”
Front office officials confirmed they had been monitoring the statistical nosedive all season. One staffer said the organization ran a comparison chart late Friday night and concluded that “it was time to act before the team’s numbers sank below the city’s pumping station reliability ratings.”
Players reacted with mixed emotions. One veteran said privately that the team needed a spark of accountability, then bricked a nine-foot jumper in front of reporters.
Mayor Cantrell weighed in with a comment that you’d come to expect from her. “Y’all firing muthaf***s over numbers that f***in’ low,” she said. “Hell, even I don’t f*** up that bad. Get y’all s*** together or you can all f*** off with the rest of these f***in’ losin’ bitch ass teams.”
