WASHINGTON, DC – In a move that briefly rattled both Wall Street and the nation’s Botox supply chain, longtime Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi announced she will not seek reelection, citing exhaustion from what she described as “years of coincidentally perfect stock picks.”
Pelosi, whose uncanny ability to buy and sell at market peaks baffled economists, told reporters she looks forward to “finally resting her trading finger.” Sources close to the Speaker Emerita say she plans to spend retirement “giving back to the market that gave her everything,” reportedly by shorting Congress itself.
When asked about the timing of her departure, Pelosi said she wanted to “get out before interest rates do.” Her husband, Paul Pelosi, was seen quietly updating his Robinhood watchlist during the press conference, reportedly muttering, “Babe, we beat the indexes again.”
Financial analysts have warned of short-term volatility following her announcement, with several hedge funds petitioning the SEC to appoint Pelosi as a “market stability consultant.”
