NEW ORLEANS, LA – Across the energy industry, executives are quietly celebrating a breakthrough decades in the making. They’ve finally found a way to turn pollution into profit. The same companies that spent years denying they caused climate change have now discovered that, with the right rebrand, they can get government grants for doing exactly that.
Carbon capture, the process of collecting carbon dioxide emissions and injecting them underground, has become the latest miracle of modern marketing. Instead of reducing pollution, it simply relocates it, like sweeping toxic dust under the world’s biggest rug. But thanks to a few buzzwords and some tax incentives, it now counts as environmental progress.
Industry experts call it “a game changer.” Environmentalists call it “burying the evidence.” Either way, the public seems content as long as the word “green” appears in the press release.
“Think of it as pollution recycling,” said one unnamed executive. “We create the mess, clean it up, and get paid twice. It’s the perfect circle of sustainability.”
Meanwhile, oil companies remain baffled that they’re still getting fined for leaks that seep into the ground, while carbon capture firms get applause and federal funding for doing the exact same thing, but with nicer PowerPoint slides.
