BATON ROUGE, LA – In a shocking twist that’s sent Tiger Nation into a frenzy, sources close to LSU’s athletic department confirmed that Nick Saban is “open to discussion” about returning to Baton Rouge provided the university agrees to guarantee him complete immunity from being made into memes and having fake news articles written about him by The Sadvocate.
According to at least one insider, Saban has witnessed firsthand the psychological damage inflicted on LSU coaches by The Sadvocate’s coverage, referring specifically to “the mental breakdown of Ed Orgeron and the thousand-yard stare of Brian Kelly.”
The legendary coach refuses to even consider LSU’s offer unless the athletic department and “those lunatics at The Sadvocate” provide him with signed documentation protecting him from future memes, satire, or “any actual images and/or depictions of me throwing my headset to the ground in a fit of rage on the sideline.”
LSU Athletics has reportedly opened “preliminary talks” with agents of The Sadvocate to negotiate a ceasefire, though sources say the publication demanded that Athletic Director Scott Woodward “put a number on the deal” since he’s got a reputation for being extremely generous with the athletic association’s funds.
Saban told LSU the only way he’d still accept the job if The Sadvocate refuses the terms of the agreement is if the final contract exempts him from having to sell anymore “god damned” chicken for Todd Graves.
