BENTONVILLE, AR – Walmart officials moved quickly this week to reassure shoppers after a nationwide recall of shrimp that reportedly contained “trace levels” of radioactivity. “The product is still completely safe,” one company spokesperson insisted, “so long as customers consume it under a government-approved lead blanket and avoid eye contact with the shrimp after midnight.”
The FDA admitted it was “slightly concerned” that several customers reported their seafood dinners humming audibly and glowing bright green in the dark, but stopped short of calling the recall dangerous. Instead, the agency recommended “standard safety measures,” such as wearing oven mitts while opening the bag and storing leftovers in a concrete bunker.
Local customers were divided. “I’ve had shrimp po’boys in worse condition,” said one Baton Rouge man, “at least these come with free light.” Others complained of unexpected medical bills, as Geiger counters are not currently covered by most insurance plans.
The FDA admitted it doesn’t know if the shrimp are dangerous but did concede they make a fantastic night-fishing bait.
