CHICAGO, IL – In a fiery press conference, Chicago officials announced their opposition to federal plans to send National Guard troops to the city, warning that such a move would “trample over centuries of carefully cultivated chaos.”
The mayor argued that Chicago’s 1,200 shooting victims this year alone represent not a crisis, but a “living archive of tradition” that outsiders have no right to erase. “Gunfire is as much a part of Chicago as deep-dish pizza or traffic on the Dan Ryan,” the mayor declared. “We cannot let the federal government bulldoze our heritage.”
City leaders went on to stress the importance of protecting local “job creators” like gangs, carjackers, and corner dealers from “unwanted federal competition.” Plans are reportedly underway to petition UNESCO to recognize Chicago’s violence as an “intangible cultural treasure.”
As one alderman put it: “Our criminals have been here for generations. The National Guard hasn’t earned the right to shoot our residents, that’s family business.”
