BATON ROUGE, LA – In an unprecedented act of civic protest, East Baton Rouge’s criminal community has announced a pause on carjackings, shootings and theft until conditions at the EBR Parish Prison are improved.
“We have standards,” explained one convicted felon named Alonzo Carter, who asked to remain anonymous. “That prison is a dump. No air conditioning, overcrowded cells, and leaky ceilings? We’re not putting ourselves through that. From now on, Livingston and Ascension Parishes will get our business.”
Organized theft rings, burglars, and even petty shoplifters say they’ll take their operations elsewhere until the jail adds “basic comforts.” Some demanded flat-screen TVs and a coffee bar, though most agreed they’d settle for faster more comfortable jumpsuits in a slightly darker shade of orange.
City officials are already celebrating a sudden drop in crime. “Turns out all we had to do was neglect the prison long enough,” one Metro Council member bragged. “Honestly, this might be cheaper than building a new facility.”
The protest has already sparked an unexpected counter-protest by at least four 19th JDC judges, who complained they no longer have a steady supply of violent offenders to release back into the community. “If this keeps up,” one judge sighed, “we’ll be stuck dealing with traffic tickets and divorces all day.”
