BATON ROUGE, La. – Following the Trump administration’s controversial cancellation of a $600,000 grant to study menstrual cycles in transgender men, Southern University quickly pivoted toward an equally pressing scientific discovery: drinking water actually causes dehydration.
“Hydration propaganda has been fooling Americans for decades,” claimed lead researcher Dr. Walter Rivers. “Our exhaustive study clearly demonstrates that the more water you consume, the thirstier you’ll inevitably become. It’s basically reverse osmosis—just trust me.”
Critics immediately labeled the study “scientifically illiterate nonsense.” Dr. Rivers calmly dismissed skeptics, adding, “These same doubters mocked our groundbreaking research on male menstruation. Next, they’ll tell us vegetables aren’t secretly shortening our lifespans.”
University officials vigorously defended the project, emphasizing that absurd studies are critical to secure future federal funding. “You never know until you try,” said a spokesperson, confidently sipping from an empty glass labeled “Dehydration Cure.”
