BATON ROUGE, La. – Inmates at the crumbling East Baton Rouge Parish Prison have officially requested transfers to the city’s new mosquito control facility, citing “vastly superior living conditions.”
The facility, which received millions in funding for high-tech hangars and modern amenities, boasts working AC, functioning plumbing, and walls that don’t double as escape routes. Meanwhile, the EBR Parish Prison remains held together by rust, duct tape, and sheer willpower.
“The city built a five-star command center for bug spray while we’re stuck in a dump with broken toilets, leaking ceilings, and enough mold to start a science experiment,” said Jamal ‘Two Strikes’ Perkins, a current inmate. “Must be nice to be a can of pesticide around here.”
“Look, I wouldn’t call it paradise,” said a mosquito we spoke with. “That place was built to eradicate us, not house us. But if you’re telling me the jail is worse? That’s not an indictment on us—that’s an indictment on your city’s leadership.”
City officials assured the public that fixing the jail is a priority—just as soon as every mosquito in a 10-mile radius has been properly dealt with. In the meantime, prisoners are encouraged to “be patient” and “try not to touch anything that looks like it might cave in.”
