New 19th JDC Loyalty Program Lets Frequent Defendants Earn Points Toward Next Bond
A new “My19th Rewards” program is letting frequent Baton Rouge defendants earn bond points with every arrest. Court officials say it’s a way to “modernize the experience,” though critics call it a rewards system for repeat offenders. Even murder charges can now earn double points.
Gordon McKernan Launches Children’s Book Series to Skirt Potential Advertising Limit
Baton Rouge’s favorite billboard lawyer isn’t letting a little thing like an advertising crackdown slow him down. Gordon McKernan’s new children’s book series aims to teach kids the one thing school won’t: who to call when disaster strikes the jungle gym.
Ponchatoula to Rename Festival ‘The Running of the Strawberries’ in Honor of Annual Chaos
In a move equal parts celebration and crisis management, Ponchatoula has officially renamed its beloved Strawberry Festival to The Running of the Strawberries—honoring the cherished local tradition of dodging both funnel cake grease and flying fists.
‘Hands Off’ Protest Ends Early After Protesters Realize They’ve Been Yelling at Capitol Groundskeeper for 45 Minutes, Not Landry
A small protest dubbed “Hands Off” ended early after demonstrators realized they’d been passionately addressing a man trimming hedges. No policy changes were made, but the azaleas reportedly looked phenomenal.
Activists Burning Teslas Defend Actions Citing ‘We Used Matches Made from Reclaimed Wood’
Former Tesla fans are now lighting their electric cars on fire to protest Elon Musk, claiming the act is environmentally sound because they used reclaimed wood matches. “We’re burning the future sustainably,” one protester said while fanning the smoke with a reusable tote.
Central Mayor Storms Baton Rouge City Hall Demanding Credit for Discovering The Sadvocate
Central Mayor Wade Evans says he dove under a Spanish Town float for a Sadvocate tumbler, printed his own shirt, and now Baton Rouge is trying to ride the irony wave he created. “Pick a different fake news source,” he demanded.
Baton Rouge Criminals Unionize, Demand Safer Working Conditions Amid Crime Surge
Local criminals in Baton Rouge have unionized, demanding “safer working conditions” and protection from fellow criminals during robberies.
Livingston Parish Burglars Blame Economy After Breaking Into Cars and Finding Nothing but Trash
Local burglars say the struggling economy is making their jobs harder, as Livingston Parish cars now hold nothing but disappointment, unpaid parking tickets, and melted ChapStick. “At least leave a working charger,” one thief begged.
Escaped Inmate Calls 911 After Ending Up on Siegen Lane, Begs to Return to Prison
A work-release inmate’s escape ended in sheer terror when he found himself on Siegen Lane, surrounded by vagrants, impromptu street vendors, and unlicensed security guards. In fear, he called 911—begging to go back to prison.