Judge Gives Boosie Choice: Two Years in Prison or Move Back to Baton Rouge
A California judge shocked the courtroom by giving rapper Boosie a stark choice: serve two years in prison or move back to Baton Rouge. Observers noted Boosie appeared more rattled by the thought of Florida Boulevard traffic than federal lockup.
BR Officials to Launch Program Called “Parenting,” Refer to it as Curfew Enforcement
Baton Rouge’s new curfew, dubbed a “groundbreaking parenting program,” has sparked both eye-rolls and debate. Proponents say the policy will curb truancy, while critics argue it only proves city leaders think bedtime is cheaper than fixing schools.
Chicago Officials Say National Guard Threatens to “Erase Generations of Gunfire Culture”
Chicago leaders warned that the arrival of National Guard troops could “erase generations of gunfire culture,” describing the city’s 1,200 shootings this year as evidence of a deeply rooted tradition. Officials vowed to protect the “heritage” of crime, calling it as Chicagoan as deep-dish pizza.
Senator Duplessis Declares Crisis After State Left with Only 98.5% of Its National Guard
Senator Royce Duplessis has declared Louisiana “in crisis” after Governor Landry sent 135 Guardsmen to D.C. leaving only 98.5% of the Guard at home. Critics say Duplessis may be the first politician in history to treat basic math as a natural disaster.
Entergy Partners With Meta for Power; Will Add $4.99 Surcharge Per Facebook Friend Request to Customer Bills
Louisiana residents may soon pay $4.99 every time they accept or send a Facebook friend request. Entergy announced the new fee as part of its deal to power Meta’s data center, describing the charge as vital to “emotional bandwidth recovery” and “keeping tech billionaires comfortable.”
Landry Sends Troops to D.C., Because New Orleans Clearly Has Things Under Control
Governor Jeff Landry deployed the Louisiana National Guard to Washington, D.C., leaving New Orleans residents wondering why the “murder capital of America” didn’t get the help first. Locals joked the Guard might only show up in the city if they got lost on the way home.
EBR Schools Redefine Truancy as ‘Nontraditional Attendance’ to Boost Graduation Rates
Baton Rouge schools have found a new fix for chronic absences: just rename them. Truancy will now be known as “nontraditional attendance,” a phrase officials say reflects “creative learning pathways.”
Vappie’s Defense Team Considering Insanity Plea: “No Sane Man Would’ve Slept With Cantrell”
Officer Jeffrey Vappie’s defense team is weighing an insanity plea, arguing no rational man would risk his career and freedom for taxpayer-funded vacations with Mayor Cantrell. Prosecutors, however, remain skeptical, saying poor taste isn’t a recognized legal defense, at least not yet.
Insurance Industry Admits Lower Rates Possible; Swears It Won’t Happen Again
Louisiana drivers are stunned as auto insurance rates actually dip for once. Insurers admit the decrease was a “clerical error” and vow it won’t become a habit. Officials reassure residents: normal rate hikes will return soon.
Grounded by Indictment, Cantrell to Attend Westwego’s Global Forum on Boudin Ball Innovation
Indictment may ground her, but Mayor Cantrell insists she’s still shaping global policy, this time from a seafood market in Westwego.
Cantrell Says Indictment Won’t Interrupt Her Commitment to Accomplishing Nothing
Federal charges won’t slow Mayor Cantrell’s famously leisurely approach to leadership, with City Hall assuring residents that “strategic inactivity” remains the top priority.
LSU Hires Indicted Developer For Arena Project After Struggling To Find One With Felony Warrants
City leaders defend the move as “perfectly on brand” for Louisiana. The arena is set to include a “Jury Deliberation Suite” for VIPs, and opening night will bring out everyone from ex-mayors to celebrity athletes with pending charges.
Orleans Parish Criminal Court Goes Fully Paperless By Dumping Records in Trash
In a surprise leap toward “modernization,” New Orleans’ criminal court has gone paperless by reportedly tossing its files in a dumpster. Officials insist this isn’t negligence, but “innovative documentation liberation.”
SLU Says Professor Dismissed for Use of Comic Sans in Reports, Not Lake Maurepas Findings
While her research raised alarms about toxins in Lake Maurepas, SLU says Dr. Emami’s choice of Comic Sans made the information “aesthetic malpractice.” The university acted swiftly to preserve its reputation, if not the lake.
Forum Moderator Accidentally Becomes Frontrunner in Orleans Sheriff Race After Sounding Marginally Competent
The Orleans Parish sheriff forum took a turn when the moderator, not a candidate, became the star. Voters say her ability to speak clearly and not dodge questions makes her the new unofficial frontrunner—despite not even running
Landry: DMV Excited to Replace Old Confusing Process With New, Sleeker Confusing Process
Governor Jeff Landry says Louisiana’s new OMV software will “revolutionize” the DMV experience by replacing the old confusing system with a modern, equally confusing one only sleeker and in high definition.
Perkins Overpass Project’s Phase One Includes Removing Everything People Liked About Perkins
Phase One of the Perkins Road Overpass project has begun with a clear mission: remove everything people actually liked about Perkins.
Escape Room Franchise Sues Orleans Parish Jail for Copyright Infringement
Sheriff Susan Hutson denies OPSO is an entertainment venue, though admits, “at this point, maybe we should start charging admission.”
West Feliciana President Launches Hands-On Leadership Tour, First Stop: Your Face
When a man questioned the ethics of a parish land sale, President Kenny Havard delivered answers in the form of a punch. The “Hands-On Leadership” tour was born with bruises, not brochures.
BREC Gun-Free Zone Signs to Be Upgraded to All-Caps
BREC officials say they’re upgrading the “Gun-Free Zone” sign to all-caps font hoping the change will stop future armed teens in their tracks.
East Baton Rouge Library Staff Must Now Refer to Colleagues Using Preferred Font and Type Size
BATON ROUGE, LA – The East Baton Rouge Parish Library has rolled out a new inclusivity policy requiring staff to address all patrons using their self-identified font and type size preferences. According to an internal document sent to The Sadvocate, this is part of the library’s broader “Typographical Sensitivity Initiative,” launched after a patron claimed […]
Landry Names Head of Office of Highway Construction, Start Date TBD After 15 Year Feasibility Study
Governor Landry has named a director for Louisiana’s new Office of Highway Construction, but the job won’t start until at least 2040, pending an 11-year feasibility study on whether the office should exist at all.
Police Chiefs Accidentally Attend ‘How to Stay Out of Federal Prison’ Workshop and Immediately Fail
Two Louisiana police chiefs were arrested mid-conference in Baton Rouge after allegedly filing a fake armed robbery report, ironically just steps from a session on law enforcement ethics.
EBR Library Terminates Man Who Refused to Address Colleague as “Dungeon Master of Reference Materials”
A local man was fired from the EBR Library after refusing to address his coworker as “Dungeon Master of Reference Materials,” per the institution’s new lore-based identity policy.
New Orleans DA Lands Emmy Nomination for Best Performance in Fictional Trial Series
Move over, ‘Law & Order’—New Orleans has rolled out its own courtroom drama, complete with imaginary proceedings, ghost witnesses, and a DA who now has more in common with actors than attorneys
Drivers Say They’ll Stop Crashing in St. George to Protest Privatized Accident Reporting
Several drivers have pledged to no longer crash their vehicles within St. George city limits, citing the recent privatization of accident response as a “personal insult to inefficient public service.”
New BREC Leader Says She’s Open to All Ideas Except the Good Ones
BREC’s new superintendent is making the rounds to “listen,” but sources say she’s mostly just nodding politely and jotting down synonyms for “no.”
Black Bear Seen in Livingston Parish Identified as Boyfriend of Denham Springs Woman
A Livingston woman says her new boyfriend doesn’t cheat, doesn’t lie, and “smells better than her ex.” The twist? He’s a black bear.
NOLA DA Jason Williams Hosts Fake Press Conference to Defend Fake Trials
Orleans DA Jason Williams is under fire for allegedly engineering “fake trials”—so naturally, he held a press conference in front of a vinyl backdrop labeled “Totally Real Justice Building” to set the record straight… or at least crooked in a new way.
New 19th JDC Loyalty Program Lets Frequent Defendants Earn Points Toward Next Bond
A new “My19th Rewards” program is letting frequent Baton Rouge defendants earn bond points with every arrest. Court officials say it’s a way to “modernize the experience,” though critics call it a rewards system for repeat offenders. Even murder charges can now earn double points.