ROSELAND, LA – State environmental officials announced Tuesday that shipments of Smitty’s highly questionable, possibly-glowing waste will begin arriving in Jefferson Parish “immediately,” following what they described as “a very productive phone conversation” with parish representatives. According to internal notes, the agreement was reached after a Jefferson Parish staffer reportedly responded to the request with a distracted, “Sure, whatever,” while juggling three unrelated issues and an incoming text about lunch.
Rather than clarifying the remark, state regulators interpreted it as enthusiastic approval and fast-tracked the emergency permit. The approval came so quickly that several Jefferson Parish councilmembers learned about it the same way everyone else does: from neighbors texting, “Hey, is this y’all’s problem now?”
Officials insist the sludge is “non-hazardous in the technical sense,” though they declined to define “technical sense,” citing the ongoing lawsuit that could cost Smitty’s Supply over a billion dollars. They also reassured residents that the material will be safely injected thousands of feet underground, right next to whatever was already injected there back in the 1990s.
Asked if the parish truly consented, state officials said they consider the matter settled unless Jefferson Parish responds with something stronger than “Wait, what sludge?”
