BATON ROUGE, LA – The Louisiana Department of Revenue announced this week that it will no longer accept cash payments for taxes, citing “security, efficiency, and a strong desire to appear modern.” Beginning November 1, taxpayers hoping to pay in cash will be politely turned away and directed to use a card, check, or “whatever digital wallet that have the last of their hard earned money saved in.”
While the move has been praised by state accountants, it has caused confusion among the public, especially after several state officials confirmed that they will, in fact, still only accept cash.
“We’re all for modernization,” said one unnamed agency head, “but if we started accepting kickbacks via Venmo, Edwin Edwards would roll over in his grave.”
The new policy means citizens can no longer hand-deliver payments to the Department of Revenue, but insiders say the “manila envelope economy” inside government remains unaffected. Lobbyists, contractors, and “close friends of the administration” have reportedly been reassured that their traditional cash-based system will continue uninterrupted.
Economists say Louisiana has finally achieved a balance between technological progress and old-fashioned corruption.
