ANGOLA, LA – Angola’s ICE detention facility has found itself at the bottom of the culinary world after detainees collectively gave its cafeteria a unanimous zero-star rating on Yelp. The move comes amid a hunger strike where participants say refusing to eat is still preferable to accepting whatever the kitchen staff slides onto their trays.
“Look, I’ve eaten grass before, and it had more flavor than this,” one detainee allegedly wrote in a banned Yelp review, which prison officials quickly flagged as “contraband literature.” Others complained the beans were undercooked, the rice was overcooked, and the meat was “a mystery best left unsolved.”
Angola kitchen staff, however, defended their work, insisting that “gray is a perfectly respectable color for soup.” They also claimed the hunger strike is just a “media-inspired fad diet,” though detainees maintain their protest is less about politics and more about survival.
With no paying customers and zero stars, Angola’s cafeteria may be the only restaurant in America that fails despite having a captive audience.
