Walmart Says Radioactive Shrimp Safe if Eaten Under Lead Blanket
Walmart officials moved quickly this week to reassure shoppers after a nationwide recall of shrimp that reportedly contained “trace levels” of radioactivity. “The product is still completely safe,” one company spokesperson insisted, “so long as customers consume it under a government-approved lead blanket.”
After Investing Millions on Shreveport G-Dome, Rapper 50 Cent Changes Name to “Store Credit”
Shreveport officials hailed rapper 50 Cent’s investment in the city’s new G-Dome, but financial experts warn it could drain his fortune. “After this, he’ll be better known as Store Credit,” one analyst quipped, pointing to the city’s long tradition of bankrupting businesses.
Landry Sends Troops to D.C., Because New Orleans Clearly Has Things Under Control
Governor Jeff Landry deployed the Louisiana National Guard to Washington, D.C., leaving New Orleans residents wondering why the “murder capital of America” didn’t get the help first. Locals joked the Guard might only show up in the city if they got lost on the way home.