BATON ROUGE, La. – In a city where floodwaters rise faster than infrastructure, locals have added the Comite River Diversion Canal’s completion to their growing list of improbabilities—right alongside an LSU football season unmarred by player arrests.

The project began before LSU players had NIL deals—back when the only endorsements they got were mugshots in the Advocate. “They broke ground when cassette tapes were still a thing,” said one local. “Now I’m just hoping they finish it before I drown or die of old age—whichever comes first.”

Since 2015, 16 LSU football players have been arrested, with five of those arrests occurring in 2015 alone. That brief golden year of 2016 saw no arrests at all, prompting fans to briefly believe in miracles before the streak resumed.

With each new offseason mugshot and every update announcing “progress” on the canal, residents have come to equate the two sagas as parallel legends—one built with shovels, the other with subpoenas.

“I’ll believe in an arrest-free LSU season the same day I see water flowing through that canal—and not through my living room,” chuckled one man.

After four decades of delays and nearly as many mugshots, the Comite project has become less of a canal and more of a running joke that’s outlived multiple LSU coaches and DOTD directors.