National Guard to Deploy in New Orleans Disguised as Carjackers and Murderers to Gain City Officials’ Trust
Governor Jeff Landry announced that National Guard troops entering New Orleans will now deploy disguised as local carjackers and murderers to gain the trust of city officials, who had previously opposed their presence for being “too law-enforcement adjacent.”
Governor Landry Orders Louisiana National Guard to Seize LSU’s Offensive Playbook and Have it Immediately Destroyed
Governor Jeff Landry has ordered the National Guard to raid LSU’s football facility and seize Joe Sloan’s offensive playbook. The governor called it a danger to public morale, vowing the pages will be destroyed before fans suffer through another predictable Saturday
Governor Deploys National Guard to Baton Rouge, Orders Immediate Impound of All Altimas With Texas Plates
Governor Jeff Landry announced plans to deploy 1,000 National Guard troops in Baton Rouge, not for crime or disaster relief, but to seize every Nissan Altima with Texas plates. Officials say the crackdown could soon expand to Dodge Chargers and Camaros.
Orleans DA Scrambles to Hire Hundreds of Attorneys to Assist Dismissing Charges Ahead of National Guard’s Arrival
Orleans Parish DA’s office is scrambling to hire hundreds of attorneys ahead of the National Guard’s arrival, not to prosecute cases, but to dismiss them. Officials admit the new hires will be measured on “throughput, not outcomes,” as the city braces for mass revolving-door justice.
Trump Suggests Governor Landry Deploy National Guard to Replace Saints Offensive Line
Trump proposed Governor Jeff Landry deploy the National Guard to the Superdome, claiming soldiers would provide “tremendous discipline” and “no false starts.” Landry didn’t rule it out, hinting that public safety now includes preventing Rattler from being sacked every other play.
In Historic First, New Orleans Democrats Courageously Reject Government Assistance
Helena Moreno and her colleagues made history by refusing government help, proving Democrats can say no to Washington, so long as it’s law enforcement offering aid. Criminals celebrated the move, praising City Hall for defending their right to operate without interruption.
Chicago Officials Say National Guard Threatens to “Erase Generations of Gunfire Culture”
Chicago leaders warned that the arrival of National Guard troops could “erase generations of gunfire culture,” describing the city’s 1,200 shootings this year as evidence of a deeply rooted tradition. Officials vowed to protect the “heritage” of crime, calling it as Chicagoan as deep-dish pizza.
Senator Duplessis Declares Crisis After State Left with Only 98.5% of Its National Guard
Senator Royce Duplessis has declared Louisiana “in crisis” after Governor Landry sent 135 Guardsmen to D.C. leaving only 98.5% of the Guard at home. Critics say Duplessis may be the first politician in history to treat basic math as a natural disaster.
Gov. Landry Declares State of Emergency After Discovering LA DMV Still Running on Windows 95
After a catastrophic OMV system crash halted basic services statewide, Gov. Landry took action—by declaring a state of emergency and vowing to upgrade to Windows XP… in just one more year.