Rick Edmonds Proposes Renaming I-10 “Donald Trump Expressway,” Expects Thousands to Stop Using It Immediately
Officials may have finally found a way to fix Baton Rouge traffic, and it doesn’t involve new lanes, just convincing thousands of drivers to avoid I-10 entirely.
Trump Bridge Plan Advances, Officials Confirm It Will Be Built Right After Everyone Calms Down
Officials confirmed construction will begin immediately after Louisiana residents achieve the unprecedented milestone of 24 consecutive hours without arguing about politics online or in traffic.
Elon Musk Confirms Colonizing Mars Will Still Be Easier Than Getting NOLA Tunnel Approved
Elon Musk confirmed colonizing Mars will be easier than getting a New Orleans tunnel approved after his first meeting produced three committees, zero decisions, and a follow-up meeting.
City Park Golf Course to Seamlessly Integrate With LSU Lakes Project’s 35-Year Timeline
City officials say the redesigned City Park course will allow golfers to play alongside active construction, creating a “shared experience” with the LSU Lakes project for the next 35 years.
State Officials Order 3 Studies to Add Additional TSA Lane at BTR, Completion Timeline Unclear
State officials have ordered three studies to determine if adding a TSA lane would improve movement, though concerns remain that it could accidentally make things faster.
Delta Utilities Clarifies Bills Are Not Higher, Customers Are Just Poorer Than Before
Delta Utilities clarified that rising bills are not the result of increased rates, but rather customers experiencing what it called a “decline in financial durability” across Baton Rouge.
Trump Left Speechless as Rick Edmonds PAC Breaks Record for Most People Offended in 30 Seconds
Trump reportedly froze mid-sentence after watching a 30-second Edmonds super PAC ad, marking the first documented instance of the president being completely, undeniably speechless.
Landry to Relocate Gulf Seafood Into Strategic Petroleum Reserve Where Oil Levels Are Currently Lower
State officials say shrimp are already adapting to storage tanks, as fishermen question whether future catches will be labeled seafood, crude, or some federally approved combination.
State Announces Insurance Relief Will Arrive Shortly After Residents Can No Longer Afford It
State leaders confirmed lower rates are coming soon, assuming residents can maintain coverage long enough to eventually experience the savings.
Chicago School Officials Say Former EBR Head Offers “Rare Ability to Spend $160 Million Without Causing Measurable Change”
Chicago officials praised the former EBR Superintendent’s ability to convert millions into strategic plans, meetings, and studies, calling it “a level of consistency we rarely see at this scale.”
Cassidy Campaign Manager Resigns After Learning Candidate Also Adds Kale to Etouffee
A campaign manager reportedly resigned after learning Cassidy put kale in his etouffee, saying voting to impeach Trump was easier to explain than greens in Cajun cooking.
Ruth’s Chris Reminds Baton Rouge Guests Business Casual Does Not Mean a Freshly Ironed Fishing Shirt
Several local diners said they plan to comply with the policy by simply wearing their nicest fishing shirt, which they insist is “the one without the sunscreen stains.”
SNAP Recipients File Lawsuit After Learning 4 Pounds of Fruit Roll-Ups Do Not Qualify as Produce
A group of SNAP recipients filed a federal lawsuit after discovering grocery stores had begun classifying bulk quantities of Fruit Roll-Ups as candy rather than produce, prompting claims of discrimination against “fruit-forward diets.”
LSU Says Releasing Athlete Pay Records to Media Would Jeopardize Ongoing Negotiations With Several High-End Car Dealerships
LSU says releasing athlete pay records could disrupt several delicate negotiations currently underway with high-end car dealerships, warning the disclosures could create serious competitive disadvantages in recruiting.
Council Approves Emergency Funding for DA While Library Sits on $140M in Case 14 Million Books Are Never Returned
The EBR Metro Council approved $1.35 million in emergency funding for the DA’s office this week, while confirming the parish library’s $140 million reserve must remain untouched in case 14 million books are checked out and never returned.
Mayor Edwards Team Placed on High Alert After Recall Effort Surges to 10 Signatures in First Month
Mayor Sid Edwards’ team reportedly moved to “high alert” after a recall effort surged to ten signatures in its first month, leaving organizers only 49,990 signatures away from their roughly 50,000 goal.
Echols Proposes Naming New Bridge After Trump, Adding Casino and Steakhouse to Seal the Deal
A Louisiana lawmaker says the long-delayed Baton Rouge bridge project might finally gain traction by naming it after Donald Trump and adding a casino and steakhouse.
DMV Head Says Landry’s QR Inspection Sticker Plan Would Force Agency to Finally Upgrade From Windows 95
Governor Landry’s new QR inspection sticker plan promises cutting-edge technology for Louisiana drivers, assuming the OMV servers running Windows 95 can survive the shock of being asked to generate something from this century.
DOTD Delays New Mississippi Bridge 10 More Years, Orders a Dozen $19M Earthquake Studies
DOTD announced a dozen $19 million studies on earthquake effects after tremors rattled north Louisiana, pushing the long-promised Mississippi River bridge further into what officials call an “extended study phase.”
Lawmakers Kick Off Legislative Session With Plan to Lower Insurance Rates by Encouraging Fewer Claims
Several lawmakers say the root cause of high premiums is residents using the insurance policies they pay for, suggesting the simplest fix may be encouraging people to file fewer claims altogether.
Sen. Rick Edmonds Volunteers to Inspect Cuban Cigars in Havana for Louisiana Economic Partnership
Louisiana Sen. Rick Edmonds says he’s ready to help rebuild Cuba’s economy by inspecting cigars in Havana, a responsibility he admits may require a full weekend of careful evaluation.
Cassidy Calls for Debate, Says It’s Only Fair Voters Hear From Him Before Voting Against Him Again
Cassidy’s campaign confirmed the debate format will include opening statements, policy discussion, and a special segment where the senator walks voters through his impeachment vote using a whiteboard and several color-coded markers.
Jeff Landry Announces New Earthquake Response Office, Staffed With 14 Friends From Campaign
After a rare earthquake shook northwest Louisiana, Governor Jeff Landry announced a brand new state agency to address future tremors, immediately staffing the office with 14 trusted allies from his recent campaign.
Louisiana Senator Proposes Fixing Child Services By Moving It 300 Feet Down the Hall
Lawmakers say relocating child services 300 feet down the hall will usher in a new era of accountability, thanks to updated signage and a different department name.
LSU Anti-War Protest Ends After Parents Show Up and Ground Several Participants
Heated geopolitical debate dissolved into questions about GPA requirements, laundry responsibilities, and who forgot to take the trash out before attempting regime change.
Central Announces Pay-Per-View Cage Fight Between Mayor and Police Chief Over Budget Dispute
Central residents won’t need another town hall meeting. City leaders have officially decided to settle their police budget dispute the old-fashioned way, inside a cage.
LSU to Post Ten Commandments In Classrooms, Seeks Football Season Exemption From Taking The Lord’s Name In Vain
As LSU prepares to post the Ten Commandments in classrooms under the new state mandate, officials quietly requested a football-season exemption from “Thou Shalt Not Take The Lord’s Name In Vain.”
Jeff Landry Demands LSU Men’s Basketball Coach Register as a Liability With the State
After another LSU loss, Governor Jeff Landry has unveiled a new defensive strategy, state registration. The head coach may soon require official paperwork before drawing up another play.
Tiger Stadium Connectivity Upgrade Will Allow 100,000 Fans To Post “How Much Is The Buyout?” Simultaneously
Engineers confirmed the $45 million connectivity upgrade was specifically engineered to handle simultaneous uploads of blurry targeting replays, emotional coaching buyouts, and urgent chants of “Play Neck” in high definition.
Rep. Sylvia Taylor Calls For Common Sense Mardi Gras Bead Throwing Reform After Years of Inaction
After years of legislative inaction, one lawmaker is calling for common sense Mardi Gras reform, including high-capacity bead throwing restrictions and parade throw loophole closures.