Landry to Relocate Gulf Seafood Into Strategic Petroleum Reserve Where Oil Levels Are Currently Lower
State officials say shrimp are already adapting to storage tanks, as fishermen question whether future catches will be labeled seafood, crude, or some federally approved combination.
State Announces Insurance Relief Will Arrive Shortly After Residents Can No Longer Afford It
State leaders confirmed lower rates are coming soon, assuming residents can maintain coverage long enough to eventually experience the savings.
Chicago School Officials Say Former EBR Head Offers “Rare Ability to Spend $160 Million Without Causing Measurable Change”
Chicago officials praised the former EBR Superintendent’s ability to convert millions into strategic plans, meetings, and studies, calling it “a level of consistency we rarely see at this scale.”
Cassidy Campaign Manager Resigns After Learning Candidate Also Adds Kale to Etouffee
A campaign manager reportedly resigned after learning Cassidy put kale in his etouffee, saying voting to impeach Trump was easier to explain than greens in Cajun cooking.
Ruth’s Chris Reminds Baton Rouge Guests Business Casual Does Not Mean a Freshly Ironed Fishing Shirt
Several local diners said they plan to comply with the policy by simply wearing their nicest fishing shirt, which they insist is “the one without the sunscreen stains.”
SNAP Recipients File Lawsuit After Learning 4 Pounds of Fruit Roll-Ups Do Not Qualify as Produce
A group of SNAP recipients filed a federal lawsuit after discovering grocery stores had begun classifying bulk quantities of Fruit Roll-Ups as candy rather than produce, prompting claims of discrimination against “fruit-forward diets.”
LSU Says Releasing Athlete Pay Records to Media Would Jeopardize Ongoing Negotiations With Several High-End Car Dealerships
LSU says releasing athlete pay records could disrupt several delicate negotiations currently underway with high-end car dealerships, warning the disclosures could create serious competitive disadvantages in recruiting.
Council Approves Emergency Funding for DA While Library Sits on $140M in Case 14 Million Books Are Never Returned
The EBR Metro Council approved $1.35 million in emergency funding for the DA’s office this week, while confirming the parish library’s $140 million reserve must remain untouched in case 14 million books are checked out and never returned.
Mayor Edwards Team Placed on High Alert After Recall Effort Surges to 10 Signatures in First Month
Mayor Sid Edwards’ team reportedly moved to “high alert” after a recall effort surged to ten signatures in its first month, leaving organizers only 49,990 signatures away from their roughly 50,000 goal.
Echols Proposes Naming New Bridge After Trump, Adding Casino and Steakhouse to Seal the Deal
A Louisiana lawmaker says the long-delayed Baton Rouge bridge project might finally gain traction by naming it after Donald Trump and adding a casino and steakhouse.
DMV Head Says Landry’s QR Inspection Sticker Plan Would Force Agency to Finally Upgrade From Windows 95
Governor Landry’s new QR inspection sticker plan promises cutting-edge technology for Louisiana drivers, assuming the OMV servers running Windows 95 can survive the shock of being asked to generate something from this century.
DOTD Delays New Mississippi Bridge 10 More Years, Orders a Dozen $19M Earthquake Studies
DOTD announced a dozen $19 million studies on earthquake effects after tremors rattled north Louisiana, pushing the long-promised Mississippi River bridge further into what officials call an “extended study phase.”
Lawmakers Kick Off Legislative Session With Plan to Lower Insurance Rates by Encouraging Fewer Claims
Several lawmakers say the root cause of high premiums is residents using the insurance policies they pay for, suggesting the simplest fix may be encouraging people to file fewer claims altogether.
Sen. Rick Edmonds Volunteers to Inspect Cuban Cigars in Havana for Louisiana Economic Partnership
Louisiana Sen. Rick Edmonds says he’s ready to help rebuild Cuba’s economy by inspecting cigars in Havana, a responsibility he admits may require a full weekend of careful evaluation.
Cassidy Calls for Debate, Says It’s Only Fair Voters Hear From Him Before Voting Against Him Again
Cassidy’s campaign confirmed the debate format will include opening statements, policy discussion, and a special segment where the senator walks voters through his impeachment vote using a whiteboard and several color-coded markers.
Jeff Landry Announces New Earthquake Response Office, Staffed With 14 Friends From Campaign
After a rare earthquake shook northwest Louisiana, Governor Jeff Landry announced a brand new state agency to address future tremors, immediately staffing the office with 14 trusted allies from his recent campaign.
Louisiana Senator Proposes Fixing Child Services By Moving It 300 Feet Down the Hall
Lawmakers say relocating child services 300 feet down the hall will usher in a new era of accountability, thanks to updated signage and a different department name.
LSU Anti-War Protest Ends After Parents Show Up and Ground Several Participants
Heated geopolitical debate dissolved into questions about GPA requirements, laundry responsibilities, and who forgot to take the trash out before attempting regime change.
Central Announces Pay-Per-View Cage Fight Between Mayor and Police Chief Over Budget Dispute
Central residents won’t need another town hall meeting. City leaders have officially decided to settle their police budget dispute the old-fashioned way, inside a cage.
LSU to Post Ten Commandments In Classrooms, Seeks Football Season Exemption From Taking The Lord’s Name In Vain
As LSU prepares to post the Ten Commandments in classrooms under the new state mandate, officials quietly requested a football-season exemption from “Thou Shalt Not Take The Lord’s Name In Vain.”
Jeff Landry Demands LSU Men’s Basketball Coach Register as a Liability With the State
After another LSU loss, Governor Jeff Landry has unveiled a new defensive strategy, state registration. The head coach may soon require official paperwork before drawing up another play.
Tiger Stadium Connectivity Upgrade Will Allow 100,000 Fans To Post “How Much Is The Buyout?” Simultaneously
Engineers confirmed the $45 million connectivity upgrade was specifically engineered to handle simultaneous uploads of blurry targeting replays, emotional coaching buyouts, and urgent chants of “Play Neck” in high definition.
Rep. Sylvia Taylor Calls For Common Sense Mardi Gras Bead Throwing Reform After Years of Inaction
After years of legislative inaction, one lawmaker is calling for common sense Mardi Gras reform, including high-capacity bead throwing restrictions and parade throw loophole closures.
City-Parish Unveils “BROOME Initiative” After Fifth Indictment Tied to Former Administration
After the fifth indictment tied to the previous administration, City-Parish unveils the “Baton Rouge Oversight of Official Misconduct & Ethics” (BROOME) Initiative, a structured program designed to bring organization to an increasingly familiar pattern.
Legislature Promises to Protect Budget Stability by Creating 14 New Committees to Study It
Louisiana finally finds budget stability, immediately places it under investigation. Fourteen committees now studying whether calm financial conditions pose a threat to long-standing traditions.
Council on Aging Says “Yes” Vote Offers More Economic Certainty Than Your Grandmother’s Will
Council on Aging leaders say tax revenue is simply more predictable than relying on your grandmother’s will. Voters are encouraged to choose stability over inheritance uncertainty at the ballot box.
Central City Leaders Enter Third Week of Debate Over Comma Placement in Audit
Central leaders have now spent three weeks debating a comma in an audit report, proving once again that punctuation may be the city’s most controversial infrastructure issue.
LSU Offers Students Parking Fine Consolidation Loans With Competitive 9.8% APR
LSU students can now refinance their Starbucks parking tickets into a long-term loan, because nothing says higher education like 20 years of interest on a latte run.
State Assures Public Pecue Overpass is “Exactly Like A Regular Intersection, But Wrong”
The state wants everyone to relax about Pecue. It is not wrong. It just feels wrong. Very professionally and efficiently wrong.
State Auditor Urges EBR Council To Limit Future Theft To Library’s $140 Million, “They Won’t Even Notice”
The auditor allegedly advised council members to concentrate any future theft inside the library system, noting its $140 million reserve “won’t even notice” a few strategic withdrawals.