OXFORD, MS – In response to Lane Kiffin accepting a massive raise and leaving Oxford behind, Ole Miss fans have officially formed the Taskforce to Examine All Recent Salaries (TEARS) a volunteer coalition dedicated to determining how, exactly, their emotional needs failed to outweigh a multimillion-dollar offer.
Early findings from TEARS suggest a “disturbing imbalance” between the fanbase’s desire for stability and Kiffin’s desire for generational wealth, job security, and the chance to win something other than the tax refund bowl. Members say they are “deeply disappointed” to learn that Kiffin did not prioritize the feelings of message-board posters who once criticized his visor selection.
The taskforce began its inquiry by analyzing spreadsheets, salary charts, and several dozen tweets written in all caps. Despite extensive research, TEARS has been unable to identify any scenario in which emotional attachment to a fanbase outweighs an additional $4 million per year, upgraded facilities, and a recruiting base that doesn’t involve begging teenagers from Atlanta to please return their calls.
Independent analysts reviewing the taskforce’s work call the findings predictable, noting that compensation usually beats sentimentality by a margin of “every time this has ever happened in the history of anything.”
TEARS plans to release its complete report later this week after reviewing more data, several angry voice notes, and three separate group chats still arguing about whether this is worse than the last time a coach left a school.
