NOPD Confirms Shia LaBeouf’s Behavior “Indistinguishable From Average Mardi Gras Tourist”
Turns out you can blend into Bourbon Street all night, but the second you start giving performance notes to a brass band, someone’s calling NOPD.
NOPD Suggests Tourists Try Not Looking So “Phone-Having” While Walking Bourbon Street
NOPD has a simple tip for Carnival visitors this year: enjoy Mardi Gras, just try not to look aggressively “phone-having” in the middle of Bourbon Street.
NOPD Chief on Officer Detainment by ICE: “Worst Thing I’ve Seen Since Prohibition Era”
NOPD says the ICE detention of a newly hired officer shocked leadership, who noted it was the most troubling development they’ve encountered since Prohibition ended and background checks got complicated.
Mayor-Elect Says No One Told Her Who the Blue-Uniformed People Are, Despite News Confirming They’re the NOPD
The mayor-elect says she has “zero official information” on officers in blue uniforms, despite every news outlet confirming they’re the police.
NOPD to End Federal Consent Decree, Chief Says She’ll Celebrate With Some Prunes and a Nice Long Nap
NOPD is finally off federal supervision, and the chief is celebrating with prunes and a powerful afternoon nap.
In Historic First, New Orleans Democrats Courageously Reject Government Assistance
Helena Moreno and her colleagues made history by refusing government help, proving Democrats can say no to Washington, so long as it’s law enforcement offering aid. Criminals celebrated the move, praising City Hall for defending their right to operate without interruption.
Mayor Cantrell Confuses Fifth Amendment With a Fifth of Hennessy at Hearing
Mayor Cantrell shocked legal experts when she pleaded the Fifth during an NOPD hearing—only to later clarify she was actually talking about the fifth of Hennessy she drank beforehand.
NOPD Launches ‘Catch and Release’ Program for Store Clerks Attempting to Defend Themselves
NOPD’s new “Catch and Release” policy ensures store clerks who defend themselves face immediate legal consequences—while armed robbers get a lecture, a free Uber ride, and a city-sponsored second chance.