NEW ORLEANS, LA – With the National Guard set to arrive and begin making hundreds of arrests in the crescent city, Orleans Parish District Attorney Jason Williams is scrambling to expand his workforce.
Job postings appeared online Tuesday morning seeking attorneys capable of dismissing charges at a “fast and consistent pace.” One listing read: “Typing 50 words per minute preferred, but not required. Ability to stamp paperwork repeatedly until wrist cramps expected.”
The move comes as residents question whether the Guard’s deployment will actually impact crime. “Why bother?” one French Quarter bartender asked. “They’ll be back ordering hand grenades in two hours.”
The DA’s office confirmed it is bracing for record-breaking dismissal days, estimating at least 1,000 cases could be processed in a single weekend. “We’re proud to maintain efficiency,” a spokesperson said. “It’s about throughput, not outcomes.”
Meanwhile, Guard commanders admitted confusion about the city’s process. “We’ve never trained for an environment where arrests don’t matter,” one officer said. “It feels like running wind sprints with no finish line.”
Officials wouldn’t say how long the deployment might last, but sources confirmed the DA’s office has already ordered bulk crates of “Dismissed” stamps through Amazon Prime.
