BATON ROUGE, LA – Baton Rouge officials have announced a sweeping new curfew, effectively banning teenagers from venturing outdoors after 10 p.m. While city leaders framed it as a stand against violent crime, locals immediately pointed out the collateral damage: the criminalization of Crunchwrap Supremes at midnight.
“Look, nothing good happens after dark,” Mayor Edwards declared. “And if something does, it shouldn’t involve nacho fries.” Police confirmed Taco Bell drive-thrus will be monitored by undercover officers posing as customers with Baja Blasts.
Teenagers, undeterred, have already begun mapping out “Taco Tunnels” under Government Street to keep late-night quesadillas flowing. Meanwhile, Waffle House, exempt from the curfew, reported record pre-10 p.m. crowds, with teenagers trying to squeeze an entire night of bad decisions into a single hour.
Officials maintain the curfew will reduce crime, though many suspect it’s just the city’s latest ploy to prop up Raising Cane’s.
