NEW ORLEANS, LA – In a move toward “inclusion,” New Orleans has launched the Crescent City ID, ensuring that all residents, regardless of background, status, or zip code, now have equal access to the city’s signature blend of delays, confusion, and unmet promises.
“This is about equity,” said one city official. “Everyone deserves a chance to be equally frustrated by our services.”
The new municipal ID is being hailed as a major step forward in performative governance. It won’t allow you to vote, board a plane, or receive meaningful assistance, but it will confirm that you’re eligible for the same nonfunctional programs as everyone else.
Though it promises access to libraries, healthcare, and transit, many of those services are either underfunded, understaffed, or mysteriously closed by noon on Tuesdays.
City Hall says it’s proud of the progress. “Now, no matter who you are,” one staffer explained, “you can experience the exact same level of municipal dysfunction. That’s equity.”
Officials say the mayor is so excited about the program she announced it remotely while attending a “Global Mayors for Equitable Access” brunch in Switzerland.
