BATON ROUGE, LA – In an exciting and refreshingly honest move, Baton Rouge officials confirmed that Phase One of the Perkins Road Overpass redevelopment will focus primarily on removing everything people actually enjoy about the area.
“Trees, sidewalks, that quirky sense of charm, it all has to go,” said a spokesperson for DOTD while casually jackhammering a bike path shaded by a beautiful magnolia tree. “You can’t build progress on a foundation of aesthetic appeal and walkability.”
Long-time residents expressed confusion. “I thought they were improving it,” said one man while watching a bulldozer flatten a beloved coffee shop patio. “But I guess they meant improving it for cones.”
“We’re reimagining the corridor,” officials explained. “Imagine it with less joy, less shade, and a lot more ‘road closed’ signs. That’s the vision.”
With the Perkins Overpass project now underway, city officials proudly note that this marks the first time in Baton Rouge history where three overlapping construction disasters, Perkins Road, the LSU Lakes project, and the I-10 bridge widening, have formed a perfect Bermuda Triangle of gridlock, ensuring no resident ever gets out of their car again.
