BATON ROUGE, La. – Louisiana DOTD officials held a press conference Tuesday to calm public fears about cracks in a support column of the Mississippi River Bridge, assuring residents there’s “nothing to worry about—unless you’re one of those people obsessed with personal safety.”

“These are purely cosmetic imperfections,” said DOTD Director of Communications Rodney Mallett. “Like when your car starts making a weird noise, but you just turn the radio up and hope it works itself out.”

When asked if the bridge posed any risk, Mallett shrugged. “If you’ve ever trusted a gas station boudin or dated someone with a neck tattoo, you’ll be just fine driving over this bridge.”

While no repairs are scheduled, DOTD has reportedly placed a prayer candle and a rosary at the base of the column “just in case.”

The state redirected funds toward a weekend crisis retreat for DOTD spokespeople. Sessions include “Advanced Shrugging Techniques,” “How to Deliver Bad News in a Calming Tone,” and a guided meditation titled “Visualizing a World Without Accountability.”